I Need To Be Fixed

Hey. How's it hangin'? I'm doing ok. I lost my mother last November. Guess what, I lost my job this month.

I keep telling people that I resigned, that I got tired of 12 hours of commute and office work. That it is tiring, boring, repetitive. Truth is we were picked, chosen, listed down, singled out and decided on. All 11 of us. I jokingly called ourselves Deep Ocean Eleven. We were in deep pit. Like the movie.

The first thing I did when I got home was tell my husband to feed me while I am out of job. He laughed hard. Really, I can't wait to get out. I'm nervous about doing things differently but I'll just do them a day at a time.

So right now I'm doing a lot of handwringing, questioning, working things out, cramming myself to get a new job. I may be some time. Consequently, my whole system is affected. For how can I explain my constipation, urinary tract infection and hairy armpit? People have already gently told me I need to start getting over this and just, no. No I do not, thank you.

There's been a lot of lying on my bed. The days go pretty slowly around here, and if I don't find things to do I feel yuck. I'm reading books but I wash clothes pretty much of the week. I wonder why the bin never emptied.

I'm incredibly sorry for such a blurty blogpost but there it is. Hopefully if I just write it and publish it will help me let some stuff go.

Like what this picture is doing to me.



A pat on the back saying "Ma, it will be okay".

How on earth does anyone get through idleness?

::

Tough Love

I read somewhere that grief is born the moment your loved one dies. It's been over three months now that my mother died. And exactly like a newborn baby, grief needs constant care and attention and tending. You just can't ignore it.

She left November last year and I thought I was okay with it. I didn’t feel anything. Who cares who will be the next person to die?

But things are different lately. Coz I miss her at this time. And nobody knows. At this point I'm not sure if it's depression or grief.



Grief is part of my life now. It just is and there's nothing I can do about it. I'm not going to stifle it or compartmentalise it. This may mean I'll be feeling it until I'm eighty. I'm gonna feel what I feel, with no right or wrong. Grieving doesn't mean I'm not still living, weeding, parenting, recovering, doing Valentines, cooking meals, cleaning the toilet. It just means that all of those things are harder.

I am turning 40 on June and the older I get, the less I understand life. I don't know if love is worth the pain. I don't know anything. When one plucked the roots, the whole plant will be gone, leaving a bare space where it once stood. So we plant some other seeds, see if they take. Really, we won't know what stays or what fades away.



I just thought I'd let you know that my crying for her is done in private.

It's primal and unlike any cry I've ever cried.

::

Because Thank You is Too Mainstream

I immediately went back to Bulacan few hours after my mother died. That week, I was reeling into slight depression already. I guess nobody knew. I am good at hiding feelings sometimes. Because I think that what we should do ... get on with things, answer questions, go through the motions. Then fall apart at appropriate times.

I let them out now. Can't help it. I'll be letting this out for a long, long time. Maybe even always, and that's alright by me. Lucky grief comes in spurts, in, out. Or else the bereaved would never get out of bed.

I saw her inside the white coffin covered with silk. Still not embalmed. She looked as if she was only sleeping. Not wooden or waxy like others. This time I could face seeing her because it was the last chance I’d ever get. Her forehead was wrinkled as if frowning; and her hair still flat and oily like the usual.

Death is such a freaky, scary, cloistered thing in our culture. Yet it happens every day. I think you can now buy tickets to watch a funeral and then see as the body gets set alight. Tickets. Like a show.

We had a wake with her friends, oh my god her friends!. So many. And every last one. Friends from childhood, neighbors, acquaintances, coworkers, churchmates. And so many more. You can really see the mark of a man through her friends.

Thank goodness for people like them to help guide us through the very worst times of our lives. My mother’s siblings, my own siblings, my family.

I wish I could repay your goodness and love.

So to all who are going through the same experience, be strong.

::

When The Day Is Long and Hard

Months previously, I was trying so hard to go against sadness. I know I was teetering toward mild depression hence my slight effort to start Christmas early in this blog.

Mother is sick and is now seriously ill. Already on Valium.

Many times I sat in my bed late at night absolutely scared about what to do.

Went to see her many times this week. The first time I couldn't touch her but the second time I loved her and hugged her and told her how much we adored her. I wiped her face with a tissue and felt her arms and legs and feet, knowing it may be the last few times we will ever see her. The wrinkles, almost wooden skin, is she dying inside? yet SO beautiful. Such a strapping person. Always have guests around to see her, even by person I never met in my whole life.

I'm not praying for miracles anymore. But I have a husband and two beautiful kids I adore just as much as I adored mother so I'm sure I'll keep going. Still I need everything that I can get because my mother is now counting months, may be days. Weeping and keening, and then this strange silence. I don’t know. Valium would not tell me.

::

I found this poster and it made a lot of sense to me.

Talk About Gifts

I've had so many gifts.

But none as great as. . . .

Lian, 9 & Yana, 4

I can't take any credit. To God goes the Glory.

::

Would You Rather: Hot or Cold?

Happy June first, my dear friends.

June is always abuzz that is a start of a lot of things to Filipinos, especially Metro Manilans. School, traffic, and well, rainy season. Remember that scene in my beloved Calumpit Bulacan-where residents waded in knee-deep water for weeks? God forbid it will not happen again.

The title, this looks like a pretty innocent question. Did you ever ask yourself which you prefer, hot or cold? May be inane, as in not much of a debate material. But it seems that people have very strong opinions when it comes to this all-important question -- opinions that are right up their with their plans for world peace and their thoughts on the Vice Ganda- Jessica Soho ongoing issue on comedy bar jokes.

Below, the poster that plot down the plus and minus of our wet and dry weather.



I like hot weather better. Do you know that I get a bit sentimental when it rains?

The bottom line: it’s all a matter of taste. Some people like R&B, I loathe it. Some people like heavy metal songs and I would rather stick my head into a grinder.

Ultimately we do not question each other’s preferences.

Its A Choice

Sometimes I stand on the street, look around at all the people, and wonder which of them are gays, lesbians, or transgenders.

Maybe quite a few, filled with the terror and angst it takes to hide their true selves so that others won't find out. It'd be so, so hard. I can't imagine. And may be some others so okay with it they flaunt it in their neon green nails, studded shirt and spiky hairs.

I don't know so many things. But I am big on social justice, equality, fairness and right to express self as it pertains to identity and mental health. But sometimes all ours kids ever get told is“no” and “you can not do that” and “behave". That thing you do with words is outstanding. Only twenty-six letters in the alphabet and you arrange them just so.

Hubs and I have been parenting our children for nine years, now. It's a privilege, it's wonderful, it's frustrating, disappointing, tiring. I've learnt a lot about parenting, mostly through trial and error. We muddle through, think that it will get easier as they get older. I'm starting to realize it's harder.

And like me, millions of parents watch their kids every day. But I'm not millions. I'm one. And my son, he's all mine and the way the tendrils curl around his ears when his hair gets too long is so gorgeous that I want to punch something. What is that?

Thing is, I do not want any of my children to know life harder than it already is. So I pray that they will live straight lives, make straight choices. And hopefully make them realize the impact of their choices.

I hope to explain them the difference between gays, lesbians and transgenders like one day I will tell them the differences between sex and drugs, God and the devil and love and fear.

::

What do you think of Charice's transformation?

"For me, just love me. I am a person. If you think I am boy or a  girl
or if I look like a boy, then fine. I am Charice. I know what people think, I don't care
This is the look I want. The only thing that you can do is move on."

Above The Clouds

Every woman needs to see the whole world. Wild and Free. There is something almost magical about roaming the earth. In the air. Carried by the wind.

Need to say it was my first time to ride the airplane?

I flew to Cebu. No big deal. But it was the air travel that I enjoyed but fret the most.   Feels like I’ve changed and became more civilized. If anything, I don’t want to die unevolved.

The take off was hard. I have run out of tough and all that’s left me was a crumbling stomach. The small talk somehow saved me, gave me something to focus on. However I thought I kept internally crumbling while maintaining decent conversation with my two companions.

"Your home in the sky..."

Don’t even get me started on my throbbing ears. I couldn't even faked a yawn.

And as they say all the first times are memorable. First turbulence. First air pocket. They kept me constantly breaking into pieces, changing, spinning me towards the heavens and then hell the next.

This portion was smoking all through out..reminded of heaven.

You wouldn’t know it from the photos.

Half-way through the trip, I realized it’s a big world out there. And I was just a speck of dust. What must it be like to feel invisible to the world?

I'm feeling feelings that I can't adequately convey. They must be French feelings .. you know how the French have words that don't exist in English?

Mactan International Airport

Just pure awesomeness!

In A Corset State of Mind

I could use some of these. The closest I wear to this was the postpartum girdle I used after giving birth. What do you call it? oh yes, binder.

Tightlacing has been around since 16th century in an attempt to support the body, enhance the breasts, and make the waist appear smaller than it was naturally.

In the process of wearing it, your waistline will be as almost as the same circumference as the head, meaning you’d have room for only half a liver and a few inches of intestines. The result: chronic diarrhea and death from malabsorption and malnutrition.

But the benefits? a small waist, great posture, and cleavage if you want it.

But what does it feel like? you cannot bend, you cannot slouch therefore you’re like a tree.

The reason I chose to talk about this today is because Hubs and I went shopping for pants last Friday. And when I did try some of the pants on, I realized my waistline is hardly as sized as my head. Not unless I have hydrocephalus.

The Mystery Remains

Ok. Maybe it’s me. Maybe I’m the idiot in this scenario. I guess that’s possible. Maybe I was supposed to realize I needed someone with super human skills to understand my pre-menstrual moods. I spent all day yesterday arguing with myself, my kids and Hubs, growing increasingly disheartened as the day wore on. My mood swings were so terrible, it's almost hellish. 

But what can I do?

Its the Hormone Hostage. You have to know that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth to a woman and takes his very life into his own hands.

And while I neglect to mention on here though is that Hubs is the most patient, most loving person that you will ever meet, there are times he thinks I'm crazy. I was so hot-tempered, I get piqued by little reason so easily. But enduring as he is, and although he snores like a bolting thunder, he puts up with my crazy hormonal moods and this makes him automatically a saint.

And these happen every month.

Well there’s a handy guide, labeled as Dangerous, Safer, Safest and Ultrasafe. When you're bargaining with pre-menstrual women, chocolates are best solutions. And it should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband or boyfriend when their partner's red flag is up. 

In closing, the difference between a woman on her period and a terrorist is that you can negotiate with a terrorist.

How I Relate Myself to Oscars

February is a lot of things to people. From Valentines to JS Prom to EDSA Revolution and of course, The Oscars. The Hollywood people's piece of heaven. This and thousands of other occasions man so cleverly concocted and invented, perhaps to ease the burden of daily living. I am not so much of a follower. But this is Oscar. Now, we all know that coming Tuesday everyone will be asking if you saw what Jennifer Lawrence was wearing or how cute Emma Stone and Andrew Garfield were on stage.

As much of a t-shirt and jeans wearing person as I am, there is some part of me that still want to look all dolled up, with curled hair set so beautiful on one side, in gown that will make me Amy Adams for a second. And where else can you see glamorous people in gowns and suits but in this much coveted event. And while it may not be 100% about fashion and style, how about the artistic side of it? Luckily this year offers a much better selection, and I can say with confidence that every film on this list is worth watching (though I have not seen all of them.)

I saw Life of Pi, and glad that I spent time for it. If there’s anything, it’s that this film justifies the existence of 3D. It is so visually ambitious and amazing. And the story, it is so profound but oh so beautifully related on screen.



The cameo appearance of Michelle Obama pretty much tells that Oscar has become a bit of a politics too. The red carpet, in the company of the rich and famous in their priceless Valentino or Dior. I know most about the Oscars it’s the way the movie awards have the power to influence filmmaking. This time of year it’s more and more difficult to tell if certain films are even meant for us, the audience, or if they should solely be shown to the Academy in exchange for little gold men.



Having said all these things, we can actually learn life’s lessons from the Oscar. And these lessons I summed up in 2:

1.There is God, and there are little gods.

2.I have seen them and it makes no sense.

No matter how rich, powerful, brilliant or influential a person is, that person cannot escape the fact that all the things in the world is temporary and short-lived. Fame and fortune will soon fade away and things will boil down to one thing: Character. It is defined by what you‘re willing to do when the spotlight has been turned off when the applause has died down, and no one is around to give you credit.

Because It's Valentine

Since when was the last time you went geeky? crazy? slave? because of love. Did you ever try doing the most unimaginable thing just because you are so over-the-moon in love with a person? If anything, romance as they say is tempestuous. You don’t love hard enough if you never had done something so hilarious, funny, dramatic, suspense-filled, death-defying, shocking action when you're in a relationship.

Or may be you’re contemplating on staying single all your life. All because you think there are lots of more important things to do and think about rather than jump on the bandwagon. And you have decided that your heart is not a plaything to do with whatever mind wants. After all, it’s the brain that tells your heart what to feel. Heart just pumps blood.

But whatever your analyses are, people become more interesting when they are starting to fall in love, already in-love, and falling out of love.

Take these cues from UP professor, writer, TV comedian, Ramon Bautista on his TUMBLR account. Funny that he is still single, but this guy seems to know a lot about relationships than many of us do.

Girls, hear this out:

If only men can tell this straight to our face

I hope you all do your part to consume as much sugar, ice cream, cake and chocolate as possible.

Advance Happy V-day my friends!

Happy Birthday Friend!

Today, a friend celebrates her 39th birthday. Woohoo!!!

Now who is near mid-life crisis?

Anyway, I thought it would be nice to make a special tribute to her today in this blog. I've talked about her a few times here and I know I've always said she's amazing. Well, she is and I swear I'm not just biased. Of course, she's not perfect but no one is, anyway.

Allow me to share with you some of the reasons why I think my friend here is awesome.

1. She is a giver and never asks anything in return.
2. She lent me her white dress that I wore to a wedding, and stays generous even if she is now half way across the world. 
3. She is polite and never talked ill to anyone.
4. In one way she’s like a bra, always there to give me support. 
5. In another way a four-leaf clover, hard to find but lucky to have. 
6. And when we were still single and wandering about love and the boys, I almost hitched her to a married guy. But she never despised me. Yes readers, I am not normal some days.
7. Finally she is a friend because she knows me yet she still likes me.

"You're precioouuuuus..."

You're welcome friend!

Things They Didn't Tell Me

Hello readers! Hope you have a good weekend..

Glad it’s over. New Year. Not complaining. Just saying. Sometimes the start of the year makes you over think. A lot more introspective than any other days in the year. All the people want to have a fresh start like new look, new girlfriend, new job, new life. The reasons why we write those tricky little bastards called resolutions, right? You see I have grown a little. I’ve changed. There’s a side of me that whenever this season comes, a change in year, I refused to be drawn in to the fiasco that always, always happens this time around. If nothing is coming, then why bother? Just keep on going. There's always a pause, a moment when you realized that stagnancy of life is not bad at all. And I like that I learnt how to play around things now.

How do we get through the things that we can't get through? How can we make sense of the unfathomable? Can't. Just have to keep going, do what we can. Strip it all back. The most important things in life aren't things. We are wiser than we know.

Dreams, like warts and mole, they grow back. At the precise moment of dreadful failures, the human spirit inside us instantly begins to plot its own survival. And a heart that is broken again and again, is stronger that we thought. It can swallow a big pride without choking, strike old wounds without being hurtful and defensive. Although I still don't understand the magnitude of life, who says we have to?

Saying yes to life makes it open up like an oyster.

My mother appeared at Social Security for the annual confirmation. It is the system’s way to check if the pensioner is still alive. She does this so they will continue her check. My father has pension too. But he died elsewhere, with a different family, years after their marriage broke up. I believe I have four or five younger half-siblings. I also learned that it's the other woman who picks up my father’s annuity.

I felt my mother has few misgivings whether to fight for it or not. Half of me can’t take it. It belongs to mother and she could use the money for her maintenance. And I feel for her. I punched my self-consciousness if it’s right to convince her to claim what’s rightfully hers. It took my whole life to be in a place where I believe I can make a difference. But my other side tells the other family needs it more. My father died a poor man. I strongly believe that we live more comfortably than them.



There’s a deep essence of something I don’t know. I'm just so, so sorry down here. I guess a sister is only as happy as its unhappiest half-sister or brother.

So while I wait for God to tell me what to do, I leave you loads of love, understanding and peace. Supersized, and with refills.

Finding Friends

You can’t catch time when you’re busy catching your rowdy kids

Sorry friends. I miss you and I love you, but my hands were full. In as much as I want to yak all my stress up, converse where life has taken me so far, and convince you to death that I really took Zumba, there were lots of things on my plate. You know my kids. They trick me into “Ma, we need you more than you need friends”.

They make me feel this way all the time. Every time.

I met my college friends last December 31 and I miss them. I just couldn’t let this one pass. Gah, I miss going out. Sadly, I can’t do that as frequently as I want. And sadly, I met them with my brood.

The food was great, the place just fine. Only I had a nightmare on the first hours. I was no use to anybody because I was always busy with the kids. They need me like air. Forget the steep stairs, or the kidnappers. I fear them breaking the glass barriers anytime, falling straight down the concrete floors of Festival Mall in Alabang. Ang mahal kaya ng glass barriers.!

So to these people who I got the chance to share my life with, although very seldom I see and chat, I hope our ties will never end. And despite of the long times that went by we connected last, and the more time it takes to catch up, I know friendships are not about time and distance alone. It is about the heart that never forgets. I pray that our friendship will last forever. I pray that our kids will be friends too and share crazy stuff and relate stories only genuine people can value and understand.

To my one friend who feels that love is so elusive: Ease up. Don’t worry it will come in the right time. Feel good and look good. Love find its way to a heart that never stops dreaming and believing.

To my other friend who just entered her first romantic relationship: Enjoy the moment. Don’t fret about things you cannot control. Go with the flow. And let life takes it’s course. Sometimes when you release the reins, things fall into place naturally and simply. As they should.

And to you who suck up all the craziness of this world and still end up the best mom: I am so proud of you. You have already proven yourself. I adore your klutziness. You never hold back and that’s what makes you special. I pray you meet your one true love some day.

This post is for you guys. Rock and roll!

Holiday Bug

Happy Friday and Happy Holidays again to you all, my dear friends. Here's to a wonderfully relaxing weekend of peace and joy spent with family and friends. I'm sending you giant hug through the computer. Can you feel it? I'll be eating lots of sweets this weekend and watching Twilight movies (I haven't seen yet Breaking Dawn Part 2...).

And in case you did not get the gifts you wished, or your plans failed, or found that the long vacation is really more tiring than relaxing, remember to:



Remember that what comes around, goes around. Okay?

Getting Through Christmas

{The breaking news started midmorning. Elementary school. 20 kids shot. Five was the youngest. Teachers killed. I broke down. All those children. So, in honor of the kids who passed away, ten days short of Christmas, I give this poem. I imagine them all excited for the holidays, telling what they want to have under the tree. }
Dear Santa

Dear Santa, here's my Christmas list. I hope you'll bring it all. I've only asked for gifts my parents can't find at the mall.

I'd like to have a UFO, with aliens inside, and maybe a Tyrannosaurus Rex that I could ride.

A ninety-nine foot robot is a present I could use. I'll also need a time machine, and rocket-powered shoes.

Please bring a gentle genie who will grant my every wish, and don't forget a wizard's wand, and, yes, a talking fish.

Of course, I'll need a unicorn, and won't you please provide a dragon, and a castle in the English countryside.

Of course, the weight of all these things might cause your sleigh to crash. If that's the case, dear Santa, just make my growing up years, cheery and bright!

Ana Marquez-Greene, 6

Jesse Lewis, 6.

Emilie Parker, 6

James Mattioli, Jessixa Rekos, both 6

Noah Posner, 5.

Olivia Engel, 5

Dylan Hockley, 5

Daniel Barden, 5

"The child must know that he is a miracle, that since the beginning of the world there hasn't been, and until the end of the world there will not be, another child like him."--Paolo Casals

If You Don’t Know Then You’ll Never Understand

While many of you cram to look for soft and hairy, or excited to dance Gangnam Style at your office Christmas parties, you are lucky, people!

We don’t have Christmas party.

So contrary to the year after last year where we are asked to dress up like in the 70’s like you see in the picture below.

I miss this psychedelic, spotted, Gina silk costume already. You see, I don’t mind wearing shower curtain some days.

The pleasant feeling stays and the memories linger even after so many years. I now enjoy parties, which I don’t when I was a kid. I was embarrassed at the time but luckily I outgrew being self-conscious of my klutziness and find it hilarious now.

Parties bring people together, in one room, eating and drinking, and sharing stories that never end. My officemates still laugh when they remember my legs wrapped in fishnet stocking looking like a Chinese Ham. But despite of all the shame of looking like K-Pop star gone mad, I enjoyed every minute of it.

Not that I take pleasure in being laughed at. I am just so “game” for anything fun. Clean fun, though. I have realized that sometimes you got to seize the moment and have a good time. That instead of clamming up in one corner, why not mix with people, enjoy their company and tick each other’s funny bones.

But then I realized, its not only parties, not even food and drinks that bring people together. It’s really more the friendship and closeness that build up throughout all of the years of working together.

So with or without office parties?

It's the time to make your own party.

With some of your nicest officemates, few burgers and fries, and a Magic Sing? BOOM!

=====

*Okay, may be it’s not that bad. Many government agencies have also called off their Christmas parties this year.

• The Office of the President

• The National Disaster Risk Reduction and Management Council

• Armed Forces of the Philippines

• Philippine National Police

• Department of Education, Culture and Sports

They are donating the funds to assistance for victims of typhoon “Pablo.”

The Quiet Place Project

I woke up pre-menstrual and I hate this feeling. It makes me feel fat and ugly.

But yay! I came across this website and I will feel doubly bad if I will not share this with you guys. I like it because it will prompt you to be a little bit more introspective, especially when you’re in a little sullen mood like I do. This will help you realize that everything can wait. You don’t need a wee bit of sound if all you’re crying for is some quiet time.

Relax

Don’t worry this is not the thing that scare the crap out of you.

See my answers.

The Dreams Room. It will urge you to what really drives and burdens your heart.

.The Thoughts Room. Pour out your heart , fill the text box to the brim. Don’t worry, it’s a secret.

The Comfort Spot. Let’s talk deeper about what makes you feel the strongest, and the deepest too.

The Quiet Place. Silence is a breeze. After all, it is what you really want. Isn't it?

90 Seconds Relaxation Exercises. It will challenge you to spend a bit fraction of your time doing nothing, but just to relax.

How’s that? May be you can try it too and we can exchange our experiences.

Would You Ever Fall For....Disc Jockeys?

Would you ever fall for someone you have not seen but only heard? Did you ever try putting a face to the voice? Today, DJs play a more visible role in mass media thanks to live video streaming and commercial endorsements. But growing up, I can only imagine how they look in real life. I remember listening to AM radio where early news and dramas are main staple. And if ever you’re my age and are also fond of listening to FM band, you will know this Mellow Touch line…

You are the minstrel, I'm your guitar I'll play your music straight to your heart Each day (blah.. blah..) You are the minstrel, I'm your guitar The mellow sound of W double L...

Just merely singing it come waves of rushing memories. Songs touched me in a natural way. They speak my heart. Sometimes we think nobody can ever relate to us and so we find ourselves in a rut. We trick ourselves into believing that we are -- without a doubt -- the only people on the planet who have ever felt the way we feel or have experienced what we have. But songs are such powerful tool to describe how really does one feel.

And these days where radios are not only about songs but life seen as a whole. And listening no longer one way but interactive, a lot more fun and alive than it was during my time, I can’t help but be smitten by how these Disc Jockeys touch the lives of their distraught callers. They may sound trivial, and funny but if you dig ever so slightly beneath the surface, reality takes place.

Here’s what they said.

Joe D’ Mango, Love Notes, DZMM

True love only comes once in a lifetime, so take it as it comes along and enjoy every bit of it while it is still burning strong

Papa Jack, 90.7 Love Radio

We all wanted to be superman only to venture out in life looking for our very own kryptonite.

Bro Jun Banaag, Dr.Love , DZMM

To let go of someone doesn't mean that you have to stop loving. it only means that you allow that person to find his own happiness without expecting him to come back.

Chico and Delamar, The Morning Rush, RX 93.1 Smile! You don’t own all the problems in the world. Some of them are mine.

Papa Bear, Barangay LS FM, LS 97.1

Life is definitely a roller coaster, it's only when you begin to appreciate the ups and the downs that the ride becomes more fulfilling.

What do you think, friends?