I Need To Be Fixed

Hey. How's it hangin'? I'm doing ok. I lost my mother last November. Guess what, I lost my job this month.

I keep telling people that I resigned, that I got tired of 12 hours of commute and office work. That it is tiring, boring, repetitive. Truth is we were picked, chosen, listed down, singled out and decided on. All 11 of us. I jokingly called ourselves Deep Ocean Eleven. We were in deep pit. Like the movie.

The first thing I did when I got home was tell my husband to feed me while I am out of job. He laughed hard. Really, I can't wait to get out. I'm nervous about doing things differently but I'll just do them a day at a time.

So right now I'm doing a lot of handwringing, questioning, working things out, cramming myself to get a new job. I may be some time. Consequently, my whole system is affected. For how can I explain my constipation, urinary tract infection and hairy armpit? People have already gently told me I need to start getting over this and just, no. No I do not, thank you.

There's been a lot of lying on my bed. The days go pretty slowly around here, and if I don't find things to do I feel yuck. I'm reading books but I wash clothes pretty much of the week. I wonder why the bin never emptied.

I'm incredibly sorry for such a blurty blogpost but there it is. Hopefully if I just write it and publish it will help me let some stuff go.

Like what this picture is doing to me.



A pat on the back saying "Ma, it will be okay".

How on earth does anyone get through idleness?

::

Dear Cancer

You suck!

You used to scare everyone silly, but we are not afraid of you anymore.

You didn't get my father. You didn't get my aunt. You didn't get my other aunt and you're not gonna get my mother!

She is eating healthy & then you know what she did?

She smiled for a photo & posted it on FACEBOOK.

My mother at the right, with her sister

So there.

You can try to beat us all you want, but we know how to fight. And we will keep fighting.

You might as well just go away.

And never come back.

::

AFLOAT

You might be asking how I am so I thought I would tell you.

I am better than yesterday. Thank you.

I think I have visited more than enough hospitals this year, seen few hospital beds and met handful of people, which is good for an introvert like me. I am not shy. I am just big on privacy, personal space and a firm believer of not talking to strangers. So the nurses and doctors I’ve met? You people are amazing. We should give one day in year to honor you.

The past month has been beyond hard. The worst was the weekend before last. But mother is doing well on Letrozole and B-complex and some vitamins. She now laughs a little, speaks livelier and eats healthier. Recovery road is a long travel. And she needs all these synthetic pills, and our constant love and support to live longer. It is expensive, tiring, stressful and depressing. But we need to choose to stand back up again in life. One foot in front of the other is sometimes the best way we can manage.

We did indeed go see her every weekend and every single time we see her, we walk off somehow feeling enriched and better ourselves. She is okay, we are okay.

There's a quote by somebody famous about how, we must not be afraid to share the hard times in our life. Something about poets heralding the darkness, because if it doesn't get documented, how will people know we got through? That they can get through as well?

So. That's where I'm at. I'm ok enough to log on to my computer and upload some photos and write some words, so that's something. I miss the days of just coming to blog and offloading like I used to, without worrying that some people I love will die, and that bad things will still come one day.

At this point I don't care. It's night-time and it's raining. Tomorrow is a whole new day.

::

This verse has kept me alive. I think about it and it made a whole world of sense.

Isn't it?

Moon Like No Other

Last night, while we were watching TV, the earth’s celestial neighbor appeared 14 percent larger and 30 percent brighter than normal. The biggest and brightest full moon of the year—called the SUPERMOON—graced the Philippine sky 7:32 pm.

It loomed larger on the horizon next to trees and buildings.

However it hid behind rain clouds.

Chances or not, could it be the reason why I am not happy?

Has the moon ate all up the good times and return with the bad times that is cancer?



Back in 2009, my mother was diagnosed with Stage 2 cancer. The next three years appeared normal. Until last month. She was sent again to the hospital for Theocentisis. A half liter of fluid was extracted from her lung. She is literally drowning. But she does not know it. She said she felt nothing. It appeared Cancer has metastised.

She grew up in a farm house in Calumpit Bulacan, said it was both tough and easy.

"Noong araw, walang tamad. Lahat may ginagawa sa loob ng bahay, kalit maliit na bata. Mahirap ang buhay, pero masaya. Naglalaro hangang tawagin na kami ni Ina dahil gabi na. Ngayon puro computer. Nakakaawa.”

I cannot agree more.

Today everything was kind of off-centre and wrong.

I worry so much, that the circumstances and stress surrounding her cancer has somehow affected her, and affected us. Though she softened a bit. She was no longer cursing when the youngest had tantrum. She leaves that already to us.

I know the panic will wear off one day, and we are left to live our lives like normal people.

Life is short. Do all of the wild and precious things you can possibly think of. Now. There won't always be time.

In the meantime ..... we're here to learn and grow and evolve, as much as we can. Be kind, man. Give of yourself to your family, and friends, and others. There's a saying that's been drummed into my head over time - you've got to give it away to keep it.

::

BIPOLAR

Talking about mental illness is a slippery eel. If one went to hospital almost because of a broken leg? Completely legit. But if one went to hospital for a broken mind? A shame for life. A stigma you can never redo.

Thing is, they're mostly just like you and me. Mostly just doing their best. You would never guess if you walked past them in the street. Or see them on TV. Sometimes we were probably too busy thinking about basic things like food and water and shelter and forget about other basic stuff like the monsters in our mind.

Everybody experiences mood shifts in daily life, but with bipolar disorder these changes are extreme. A person may be quite unaware of these changes in their attitude or behavior. After a manic phase is over, they may be quite shocked at what they've done and the effect that it has had.

Inside a bipolar mind, the streets are crazy, no traffic lights. Things just zoom around and get away with it.

Like monstrous waves crashing on sharp rocks.

And these are feelings these people must be feeling right now.

Catherine Zeta-Jones checked into facility for Bipolar care

20-year old Demi Lovato had series of rehabs for substance abuse disorder, bulimia and bipolar..

Isabella Gonzales (daughter of Kuh Ledesma):

"I'm not ashamed to admit it. I was diagnosed at 17. It's genetic since I have it on my dad's side"

 

The two psychologists I flew with to Cebu confirmed that the popular young star currently in a family war is indeed a patient. Of a psych ward. Currently undergoing therapy for Bipolar II.

Mid-Life Crisis: What Of It?

Wikipedia said mid-life starts at 40. Technically I don’t fit in yet. I am only 39 this June. But for a number of reasons, not the least of which is that I just like to torture of reminding myself that I’ll be rocking 40 next year, I’d probably list this anyway because that will not be an easy transition. And what’s the best thing to do but to start putting those survival plans in order. As they say the earlier you talk about it, the better.

Here’s the list of awkward things to expect when you’re 40.

1. Somebody says: Mid-life is when the growth of hair on our legs slows down. This gives us plenty of time to care for our newly acquired mustache. 
2. One woman says: “In mid-life women no longer have upper arms, we have wingspans. We are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag.” 
3. Mid-life is when you can stand naked in front of a mirror and you can see your rear end without turning around. 
4. Mid-life is when you go for a mammogram and realize that it is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless on film. 
5. Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream “Listen honey, even the Roman Empire fell, and those will, too!” 
6. Mid-life brings with it the wisdom to know that life throws us curves and we’re sitting on our biggest ones. 
7. Mid-life is when you look at your know-it-all, cell phone totting teenager and think: “For this I have stretch marks??” 
8. In mid-life your memory starts to go. In fact, the only thing we can still retain is water. 
9. Mid-life means that you become more reflective. You start pondering the “big” questions. What is life? Why am I here? How much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it’s no longer a healthy choice? 
10. But, mid-life also brings with it an appreciation for what is important.

      We realize that everything sags, hips expand, and chins double, 
          but our loved ones make the journey worthwhile. Would any of you trade the 
             knowledge that you have now for the body you had back then?

Now what’s your thought about it?