How To Deal With Your Exes

Exes aren’t that hard to spot. They are EVERYWHERE. In order to deal with them, you have to understand what they are going through, where they are coming from. Because all they need is love and understanding.

JUST KIDDING.

Exes expect that everybody loves them. They have this sense of self-worth that if they are loved, they think they deserve it and if they are hated, they think that other person is just insecure or intimidated. Because what is not to love? In their own world, they are perfect.

Some exes think that they are the prettiest thing their parents have ever created.

Sometimes I wonder if pets roll their eyes when humans baby talk them. because when I hear girls baby talk their boyfriends, I roll my eyes. However, its okay to baby talk husbands. Husbands are wives’ first born, right?

Well?

So okay. I'm not gonna assume that you are having some sort of woman trouble. No, not at all.

And because I know that most men don't understand women AT ALL, I decided to write about “The Boy That Never Was”. So yeah, Katy Perry.

So let’s say you crossed path with an ex accidentally. And you had a bad separation. Like he dumped you for another girl. Ouch.

For a starter, these kinds of people deserve a high-five.

In the face.

With a hammer.



Well, yeah okay, I exaggerated a little bit.

When you see Ex coming your way, don’t chicken out. Say hello with confidence. Don’t quiver. And please don’t start the conversation with.. “do you miss me?”. Please.

Give him a serious look. Or something.



Stupidity is a crime.

Now. What if you are the type who likes to avoid social interaction, especially when Ex is involved? And what if you have to see Ex every day because he goes to your school or you work with him?

This probably should work.



Make more loyal friends who are willing to go to jail with you. And be catchy all the time. Even if you’re just gonna go to the next table. Wear sexy, borderline Gaga clothes that it would drain the color of your face. I know, I know it's gonna be hard. Wearing clothes that are 10 sizes too small takes some getting used to, but you have to sacrifice! You need to prove you are okay after the break up. Even if that was 10 years ago.

This or get a life and move on, for heaven’s sake.

Ten years ago is soo history.

And I believe if fate meant you to be together, you’ll find each other in the next life.

You are you and he is your son haha!!

Okay. I'll stop right there.

♥ Happy Valentines! ♥

::

Some Things Are Harder Than You Think

Women are not as complicated as you guys believe. Oh well, there are times that we are hormonal, over-dramatic and sensitive.

But everyone goes through this at some point, whether you're a guy or a girl. So it's nothing to be embarrassed about. Because you know what? It's normal for people.

When I am by myself, I eat a family block chocolate, one leg propped up. I pluck armpits hair. Talk to the world and wait for it to talk back. I swear, ruminate, despair and answer all the questions in my head. And I talked so fast you’d swear I am schizo.

But when I am out in the society, no one could suspect. Like I will ask you super nicely if I can iron your clothes, feed your dogs or cook for you out of politeness or well meaning impulsiveness.

People close to me know I talk to a laptop. I don’t know but every time I start opening the computer, I would start talking like a robot, “start now, start now, now, now…!”

And as I have mentioned here before, I am quite a multitasker.

I have the tendency to do many things at once.

Okay. So for instance, last Saturday morning, I thought of cutting my children’s hair. You see I hate the long sideburn. So I cut them. No, really. I did. And nobody cried.

That's while the washing machine was running.

Yesterday, I planned about revamping an old black dress into a peplum blouse. You know those DIY’s flying around in the internet? I am somehow inspired. But then I forgot everything about it.

Of course I did. Also, I don't have a sewing machine.

So yeah. That's how my brain works.

Uh. That's all. Just thought I'd share.

::

Oh I made something for a very close friend. Hi Margj! She’s 40 on Saturday and because I'm super sweet, I made this card for her.

You are halfway to 80. Way to go!

How to Deal With Your Instinct to Maim Those Politicians?

Have you ever watched the news? I try not to cause it’s so depressing but sometimes I see it. Look at them all so tough and defiant against their charges and allegations. The nerve of these people.

Bad senators, congressmen, judges, commissioners, barangay tanods aren't that hard to spot. They are EVERYWHERE. In order to deal with them, you have to understand what they are going through, where they are coming from. Because all they need is love and understanding.

JUST KIDDING.

These people expect that everybody loves them. They have this sense of self-worth that if they are honored, respected, prioritized and loved, they think they deserve it and if they are hated, they think their critics are if not heretics, are simply low-life lying morons.

Well?

The best way is to stay calm. You can bring them back to earth. Just have faith.

Or something.

So let’s begin.

Just because our public servants are restless souls, they are often hallucinating that their lives and time are more important than ours, which is why they get traffic escorts and back-up vehicles, want expresses through airport immigration and other similar conveniences. So I thought why fast forward the future and...

1. Prepare Them Advance Tombstones

 

Avoid putting "R.I.P" or "In Loving Memory Of" on their tombstone. Seriously? That is so 10 years ago. Give them some credit man! Be bold! Have them carve, "Wanna come with?". Better yet, have them write BRB or Be Right Back. Aside from its undeniable frivolity, this will remind our politicians that their powers and privileges do not necessarily mean an easy access to heaven. Saint Peter might send them elsewhere.

2. Summon a Ghost During a Senate Speech

Remember Tosho of The Grudge?

There is a saying that some ghosts are harmless and friendly. However this one is no Casper or else this would be useless. This ghost will be summoned during deliberation or privilege speech. The ghost will go to the public official and whispers mean things to him and only he can hear him. It can cause so much anguish and pain. Notice how he will become an emotional wreck right after the speech. Well, he can try to convince himself that his eyes are just irritated but we will know that's not true.

3. Sack them in a Life-Sized Condom

Every time they lie, steal, plagiarized, or spend millions for as inconsequential as burgers to as grandiose as a wack-wack mansion. Now there is a chance to effectively shoo away their nonchalant appeal for material things, lust included. Isn’t that once upon a time, God’s natural punishment was depriving them of erections? Such a frightening scenario, especially in a religious society that worships a God who does not believe in condoms and birth-control pills.

So when life gets tough, my dear readers, don't lose hope.

There's always a way.

Again, you're welcome.

Where I Turned Into A Saw Slaying Monster. Kind Of.

I have many kinds of anger:

1. The kind that I forget after 10 seconds.
2. The kind that takes a day to sink in, which is very frustrating especially when, the moment it sinks in, it's not relevant to talk about anymore
3. The kind that makes me create imaginary arguments in my head in which you will win and I will hate you more.
4. The kind that makes me want to make you realize how stupid you are by using extreme sarcasm and snide remarks that you probably won't even understand.
5. The kind that frustrates me a lot that it makes me tear up. 
6. The kind that makes me want to go Super Saiyan on you. 
7. And the kind that makes my blood boil up inside and make me want to secretly take a picture of you and post it on the Internet because I will probably hate you forever. FOREVER. 

And do you want to know what makes me that angry?

Wait. Okay. Not that angry.

PMS.

If you have been reading this blog for a length of time, there are two things that bother me every month: bills and monthly period.

I know its not normal for most girls to get crazy-angry when PMS-ing. But compared to the random mood swings and cramps and headaches and body pains and frustrations and that feeling where you want to strangle everyone who says something stupid, staying sane is probably the worst when the red flag is up.

So this is why I want to discuss ways to get us girls out of trouble when its the time of the month.

Here they are..

Eat. Follow your cravings. We're a lot peaceful with full stomach.

Go to the gym. Exercising and sweating bring you a sweet
adrenalin rush..

Find a hobby. Dance, sing, shave someone's head, twerk. Whatever!
Anything that turn you back into peace-loving, delicate
butterfly that you know you are..

Lastly,


Don't eat sugar for breakfast. Because as the day goes on, you'll get more hyper.
More hyper than you already are in the morning.


So there.

I hope I helped.

You're welcome

::

AFLOAT

You might be asking how I am so I thought I would tell you.

I am better than yesterday. Thank you.

I think I have visited more than enough hospitals this year, seen few hospital beds and met handful of people, which is good for an introvert like me. I am not shy. I am just big on privacy, personal space and a firm believer of not talking to strangers. So the nurses and doctors I’ve met? You people are amazing. We should give one day in year to honor you.

The past month has been beyond hard. The worst was the weekend before last. But mother is doing well on Letrozole and B-complex and some vitamins. She now laughs a little, speaks livelier and eats healthier. Recovery road is a long travel. And she needs all these synthetic pills, and our constant love and support to live longer. It is expensive, tiring, stressful and depressing. But we need to choose to stand back up again in life. One foot in front of the other is sometimes the best way we can manage.

We did indeed go see her every weekend and every single time we see her, we walk off somehow feeling enriched and better ourselves. She is okay, we are okay.

There's a quote by somebody famous about how, we must not be afraid to share the hard times in our life. Something about poets heralding the darkness, because if it doesn't get documented, how will people know we got through? That they can get through as well?

So. That's where I'm at. I'm ok enough to log on to my computer and upload some photos and write some words, so that's something. I miss the days of just coming to blog and offloading like I used to, without worrying that some people I love will die, and that bad things will still come one day.

At this point I don't care. It's night-time and it's raining. Tomorrow is a whole new day.

::

This verse has kept me alive. I think about it and it made a whole world of sense.

Isn't it?

Happy Mother's Day Mother!

Mother's Day is just three days away, so I'd love to ask: What has your mom taught you?

My mother is quite the pistol. She’ll curse at a bit of disappointment. But whether she is in the hospital for mastectomy or how her crazy moods cracked us all up, she’s an endless fount of wisdom. What I neglect to mention on here though is that my mother is the kindest, most loving person that you will ever meet. She has more kumares, kumpares, inaanak sa kasal at binyag than I do when she was my age. She can eat at our neighbor’s house, play with their kids and spent all afternoon chatting with her friends. She does not know Facebook, but has more friends than I am.

Also she teaches life’s great lessons until now I cannot forget.

1. What she taught me about personal spaces and time.

Respect the one sleeping. Exit out very carefully
if you still want to live one more day

2. What she taught me about pets

Not all pets are cute

3. What she taught me about spending

Check the tags first 

4. That you'd be disappointed but it's okay

So, I'm curious: What has your mom taught you? How to choose a lipstick? How to roast a chicken? How to ask for a raise? How to be a kind person? I'd love to hear their words of wisdom...

Sometimes I Do Politics

For most of my life, April has not been a favorite, however I do fancy it’s clear, blue sky. April is beach and sand and sun burn. April is a spacious train ride to and from work. April is waking up late, longer break fast and TV time.

And this year, April is more hands to shake.

You know those campaigning politicians. I was sitting for a good 30 minutes, talking and laughing with neighbors and not too long came a parade of politicians one after another. And since election came every 3 years, and I get to meet local officials once every 3 years too, I was almost sure I got entertained looking, talking, teasing them with sheer and unbridled enthusiasm. Boy, don’t they look so cool to vent and poked fun at. But of course I can try and fool myself that I was able to make fun of them, knowing that politicians are already used to swearing around, talking around and lying around.

And while I was telling myself to never see a senatorial candidate from as far as Palawan, I saw Hagedorn.

Hagedorn? you know underground river, tubbataha?...moustache? Yeah that's Hagedorn. 

I thought his face hair looks funny.

I am actually not a politics person. I don’t have any political record. I don't even have anything to back up my claim on how to survive election campaign period. But since I am a legitimate voter of this country, and have survived 13 elections already, I can probably add to your election-survival scheme.

That is,

If you’re a campaigning politician:

1. Wear a vest with your name on it. The one that will make you look like a police reporter. It adds a fashion sense. 
2. Wear a toupee. Even if it looks so fake and ill-fitted. It gives you the impression that you can survive your 3-year term without frequent cardiac arrests. 
3. Come with a hoard of followers. It will make you look so important. And rich. 
4. Don’t shake hands looking and smelling like another dog(or cat or any other animal). This can be ground for disqualification. 

And if you’re just a plain citizen, you could have your head hacked by these people if:

1. You tell them they smell like dogs. 
2. You tell them their hair look fake and ask them straight about their age. 
3. You will not laugh at their dull jokes. 
4. You ask them for money.

 I'll admit that I'm being a little snarky here, so I'll finish by clarifying that there is no real and genuine"election survival plan"; if you fail to do any of these things, then you sir (or madam) are, in for a real trouble.

Don't tell me I didn't tell you.

In A Corset State of Mind

I could use some of these. The closest I wear to this was the postpartum girdle I used after giving birth. What do you call it? oh yes, binder.

Tightlacing has been around since 16th century in an attempt to support the body, enhance the breasts, and make the waist appear smaller than it was naturally.

In the process of wearing it, your waistline will be as almost as the same circumference as the head, meaning you’d have room for only half a liver and a few inches of intestines. The result: chronic diarrhea and death from malabsorption and malnutrition.

But the benefits? a small waist, great posture, and cleavage if you want it.

But what does it feel like? you cannot bend, you cannot slouch therefore you’re like a tree.

The reason I chose to talk about this today is because Hubs and I went shopping for pants last Friday. And when I did try some of the pants on, I realized my waistline is hardly as sized as my head. Not unless I have hydrocephalus.

If You Have a Date Then This One Is For You

Welcome to Valentines week my friends! where will you be on the fourteenth? Around this time, everyone is planning to go out and it made me think about those places where lovers normally frequented. While some places are definitely worth the trouble, others, not so much. Let me give you idea where to go and why these places are good or bad.



On the good list: The Rizal Park. Our national hero’s not only been immortalized by a penny but his park now becomes more majestic especially at night when it's glowing in light, it's free, and you don't have to stand in line to be there.



On the bad list: The Quezon City Circle. Okay, what is this thing supposed to be? How does a really tall, skinny, 3-vertical structure honoring Manuel Quezon? Did anyone ask him about this design? Maybe he would have liked a nice statue with him on the horse instead. And am I the only one who looks at this structure and wants to play an areal game of ring toss? On the plus side, it makes a good place for flying characters to zoom around as they try to evade each other.



On the good list: The Manila Ocean Park. You get to learn interesting stuff, covet precious gems, see frightening looking fish that lurk in the dark parts of the ocean--something for everyone. Plus, again it's a good place to set a scene for underwater wedding proposal, with large stingray looming above you.



On the creepy list: Any museum that has mummies. I mean, there's something unsettling about seeing shriveled dead people from thousands of years ago laid out in front of you like they were treasures. Inside an open casket or an open jar, or standing with pieces of bones chained inside a see-through box like the one in National Museum. If I ever inherit an antiquity, the last thing I want is a mummy. Shriveled dead people don't go with most people's home decor and there are just so many things you can prop up in your living room. A nice vase, I would take.



On the good list: Break water at the back of The Mall of Asia. Open seas are beautiful, peaceful, and make for good background for Prenup video. Nothing is more relaxing than enjoying the waves especially if you taught of seeing them aboard a rented yacht.



On the bad list: The Mall of Asia. What do you have if you combined the SM Mega Mall concept with Greenbelt's upscale ambiance plus the crowd at Divisoria? This place. It housed at least 200,000 people at peak hours. This huge crowd and the main entrances and pedestrian/ cat walks are really far from the nearest van and bus terminals. That many people could have been there but the reports may have forgotten to account that about 100,000 of those people were lost in MOA’s overpopulated complex and just wound up there and barely get out there alive.



On the good and the bad list simultaneously: Makati Shopping District. The travel magazine says that 15 million people visit a year, and I believe them as there were at least that many people standing in line in front of me when I pay at the Cashier. I love the new Glorietta, their new boutiques, the interior decorations, and the outdoor landscape in Greenbelt--I mean, if they aren’t awesome, I don’t know what to call them.

But sorry Mr Ayala and Mr Sy,your malls are as jampacked as MOA when there is a holiday. You may end up at food court if you want a quick lunch or dinner. However, there are also a lot of buffet restaurants you can wait for if you have the time. I might ask Hubs to bring me to Yakimix if we have the chance, Valentine’s day or not.

Well, I could go on but I still have a lot of things on my plate right now. I hope you all have the loveliest V-day on Thursday!

How Much Do You Need TeleSerye In Your Life?

Okay, I admit it. I have a tendency to torture myself. Whether it’s killing myself dancing Zumba, or dying watching TV. I’m a TV addict. You can bribe me to stay home all day by just leaving the TV on. Basically, I know how to entertain myself.

But in spirit of brainless fun, allow me to describe what I love and hate with what’s on TV every night.

What are the odds that when you are explaining the value of honesty to your son, telling him to avoid use of profane languages, and howling and crying won’t do him any good, that when you switch the TV on you’d be shocked by the name-calling, cursing, yelling between bida and contrabida even Tabasco has no match to their spicy words?

Apparently, the chances are pretty good.



First of, Channel 7, after Indio (btw this show’s use of old vernacular makes them sweet to ear, so this one can pass up) welcome Pahiram ng Sandali. Look s like the selling point of the story is "hell hath no fury than a woman scorned.." There are mildly amusing scenes here and there. And there is a mildly sexy, slightly charming flirtation scene between the still sexy but obviously old Lorna and well toned, young Dingdong. Dindong shows us why women still fall head over heels for him, now if only that’s a bit gross to imagine. All in all, this is teleserye. Anything can happen.



At about the same time, on channel 2 airs Kailangan Ko’y Ikaw. See the sexy Anne Curtis as Ruth who is so hell-bent on becoming a model in New York that she stages her own kidnapping to extort money from her father to finance her dream. In real life, of course, short girls like Ruth, the name of Anne’s character, don’t stand a chance even on the runways of New York, Cubao.

Sadly, this one offered very little over-the-top propositions in its first week that would make it worth buying a stored-value-ticket for. Nor did it hint that things will eventually get exciting. From the poster alone, we already know that Anne and her sister Roxanne, played by Kris Aquino, will both fall in love with the lone leading man, Robin Padilla—even if Roxanne pretends to be all nice and supportive of her rebellious sister’s pursuits in the beginning. Second, we already know that Robin and Tirso Cruz III have a past—and not the kind of past we’re interested in (like maybe Tirso was once Robin’s Mrs. Robinson). In the soap, Tirso, a former security guard, has something to do with the death of Robin’s father. Big deal.



If you stayed further late, prepare to watch Temptation of Wife, a Korean remake. Be enthralled by Heidi’s bangs. It is so straight and shiny, you wish you can grow one yourself. She is so sexy but cunning and schemy you also want to rip her apart. But wait, there’s Angeline-turned-Chantal. Even my 3 year old kid can guess she is the former. But this, again, is a teleserye. People come back from the dead in teleseryes. Your mother will turn out to be your daughter’s sister in teleseryes, and Sam Milby and Paulo Avelino will fight tooth, nail, abs, and dimples just to win Angeline Quinto’s heart. This is the reason people risk their lives every week night taking the MRT, where it is possible to die from getting squeezed to death or just from inhaling the aroma of the city’s commuting public: to make it home in time for an hour's worth of unbelievable.



Back to channel 2 again at around 10pm, watch Iza Calzado’s disobedient wig. Why on earth this one never move? Is she sick? And why is Andi Eigenmann head over heels mad at her? I don’t think Jake Cuenca's weird moustache is worth it.

In closing, you'll ask why everyone hates everyone? why on earth there's always a mistress in each story?

Probably it might be a good idea to skip watching for a week. Because it’s usually when you stop watching that the network bosses get nervous and order a bunch of rewrites (a botched effort at which is probably the reason for the early demise of A Beautiful Affair). So when you tune back in two weeks after, these teleseryes will start blowing your mind with a pile of incest twists, loads of zinger dialogue, and a bunch of people coming back from the dead. Who knows, maybe Anne Curtis will come back from New York a more interesting character, or taller, or as a fashion model very curiously resembling BB Gandanghari.

I’d might take the train for that any day.

Because It's Valentine

Since when was the last time you went geeky? crazy? slave? because of love. Did you ever try doing the most unimaginable thing just because you are so over-the-moon in love with a person? If anything, romance as they say is tempestuous. You don’t love hard enough if you never had done something so hilarious, funny, dramatic, suspense-filled, death-defying, shocking action when you're in a relationship.

Or may be you’re contemplating on staying single all your life. All because you think there are lots of more important things to do and think about rather than jump on the bandwagon. And you have decided that your heart is not a plaything to do with whatever mind wants. After all, it’s the brain that tells your heart what to feel. Heart just pumps blood.

But whatever your analyses are, people become more interesting when they are starting to fall in love, already in-love, and falling out of love.

Take these cues from UP professor, writer, TV comedian, Ramon Bautista on his TUMBLR account. Funny that he is still single, but this guy seems to know a lot about relationships than many of us do.

Girls, hear this out:

If only men can tell this straight to our face

I hope you all do your part to consume as much sugar, ice cream, cake and chocolate as possible.

Advance Happy V-day my friends!

Let's Take Away Those Monday Blues

As I read from Francis Kong's blog (feel free to click the link found down below at the left side): the wishbone will never replace the backbone says Will Henry. But to live life with joy, always be conscious that you too have a funnybone. I say with the war happening in Algeria?, or the rob-out in Atimonan? or the Manong Driver who kept on spitting every 10 seconds and his saliva flew through the window all over you, yes you could use some humor.

Don’t grow tired of finding comedy even in littlest thing. After all life is what you make it. Don’t turn sour each day. Think young, there’s a big difference between laughing and being laughed at.

Here are people I found hilariously funny in their own genre.

1. Jessica Zafra- not a professional comedian, but a professional writer. She writes well and I like her for being both witty and funny.
   

   “If you're on a plane and the person in front of you starts slowly tilting to one side, it means he's letting out a fart. Take cover!”

   
   
   
2. Jon Santos- one of the few local comedians that I think deserves to be on this list. His impersonations of local celebrities and politicians are hilarious. Although he is not a "purist" stand-up comedian since he wears costumes, he is a complete performer and actually writes his own materials. 

“Pag una pa lang kayo nagkita, court of first instance ‘yon. ‘Pag nagandahan na kayo sa isa’t isa that is court of appeal. ‘Pag todo todong kayo na that is already the supreme court. Pero ‘pag sobra na kayong close, eh, ibang court na ‘yon, Victoria’s Court.”


3. Vice Ganda- a stand up gay comedian, once featured at Readers Digest Asia for being one of the best Filipino humorists. I find him funny, although offensive at times.
   
   Sumakay siya ng jeep na walang laman papuntang palengke)
   Vice: Manong bayad po.
   Manong1: Ilan ‘to?
   Vice: Ay manong dalawa yan, nakakahiya kasi sayo, kahit ako lang mag-isa
   sakay mo, dalawa na ibabayad ko,
   libre na kita kahit sayo ‘tong jeep.
   (Bababa na sya)
   Vice: Manong, para.
   Manong: Bababa ka na?
   Vice: Ay hindi manong, sasakay ako. Sasakay ako ulit, dun naman ako sa bubong, mas presko kasi dun.
   
   
   
4. Bob Ong- a skilful Pinoy writer, who like Jessica Zafra, both witty and smart in his writing style. Until now he hides in his pseudonym and has never appeared at any book launching, not even his own, nor on TV.

"Ang pag-ibig parang imburnal...nakakatakot mahulog... at kapag nahulog ka, it's either by accident or talagang tanga ka.."

The world is already full of bitter, boring, selfish, serious looking individuals.

So why not change it one joke at time?