She left November last year and I thought I was okay with it. I didn’t feel anything. Who cares who will be the next person to die?
But things are different lately. Coz I miss her at this time. And nobody knows. At this point I'm not sure if it's depression or grief.
Grief is part of my life now. It just is and there's nothing I can do about it. I'm not going to stifle it or compartmentalise it. This may mean I'll be feeling it until I'm eighty. I'm gonna feel what I feel, with no right or wrong. Grieving doesn't mean I'm not still living, weeding, parenting, recovering, doing Valentines, cooking meals, cleaning the toilet. It just means that all of those things are harder.
I am turning 40 on June and the older I get, the less I understand life. I don't know if love is worth the pain. I don't know anything. When one plucked the roots, the whole plant will be gone, leaving a bare space where it once stood. So we plant some other seeds, see if they take. Really, we won't know what stays or what fades away.
I just thought I'd let you know that my crying for her is done in private. It's primal and unlike any cry I've ever cried.
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As much as I want to offer a consolation but I don't know how. But let me tell you one thing - it's true that grief really lingers during the passing of a loved one. But one must also find courage to move on. Life has to move on, it may take a little while for you to move ahead but you need to gather the strength to do just that.
ReplyDeleteJust offer daily prayers for your mom so that you can let go sooner.
Its ok Jay..I am okay. I do not feel sad all the time. It happens, the highs and lows without a reason. I cannot really say i am bordering depression. I just feel like I was stuck in the space in between her being here and gone. Like she was just in alternate universe... Thanks for your thoughts..really appreciate it.
ReplyDeleteDeep words... I wonder what I would feel if someday my Mom would be gone too. We are not close.
ReplyDeleteAnd, I have a kin who'll die soon of cancer (2 weeks maybe), there is blankness as if I don’t know what’s proper reaction or if I’m capable. I don’t want seeing someone who’s dying.