If I Have No Fear

If I have no fear, I would take my family and go on vacation and squander all the little savings we have.

If I have no fear, I’ll leave my job and work full time as mom and wife.

If I have no fear, I’ll say to people how I really feel the moment I feel it, just so one can truly know me.

If I have no fear, I’ll try air gun, with bruises, scratches, screaming and all.

If I have no fear, why am I in the same job for the last 10 years?

For others, it is so easy to put an act and make things look great and happy and cheery. But if you dig a little deeper, scratching below the surface ever so slightly, things — and people — may not always come up roses. We owe ourselves logical explanation as to why we are ever so afraid to try radical, off-the-wall ideas. All too often, we are quick to say,

“Oh I’m fine.”
“I can’t complain.”
“I’m good. And you?”

But in real, you are aching for changes but just too afraid to step out of comfort zone. Sometimes, we are extremely consumed by worries, all fueled by unknown fear. We keep making up excuses and stories just so we can defend our actions. No one is to blame though. It is not anyone’s fault. We are made to believe by a pesky rumor that we should not fix what is not broken. But beneath a fresh coat of paint, there lie ugly truths of low self-esteem, lack of perseverance and yes, poor guts to create difference in life. This has somehow transforms us like little hermits on our own island.

Sadly, there has to be some point where we realize that’s not healthy anymore. Ultimately, we should try to be the person what we really want to be. No matter what people, or our own ego will say. There will always be standards and obligations to follow and fulfill, but at the end of the day, we owe ourselves genuine happiness and a life worth living.

As for what I do with the fears I have, I guess I need to start somewhere. Why not with the easiest one? Air gun, please…

Father's Day Like No Other

We celebrated Father's Day at the church yesterday. I had a feeling that its not going to be like any other Sunday. Thess, the one who is more creative than anyone of us, managed to come up with a simple program, that well, kept us crying for more than 2 hours. What was supposedly just simple short greetings, it became more like a retreat, or a recollection. One thing was common: we all missed our fathers. Everyone had stories to tell and each one did not leave the pulpit without tears in the eyes. One story that did touch me was the story of Melody. Her father left them for another woman and because she was still young then, each Father's Day was always a struggle. Because the card she made at school, she didn't know whom to give it to.

If only we can make father custom-made. Fathers that will fit our needs and wants so you'll only have good memories to tell. But dad, like life, is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you'll gonna get. But i believe it's not really about having the worst or the best kind of father, its about what you do with the father you have now, flaws and all.

Happy Father's day.

50 Things About Me

“I’m beautiful in my way, cause God makes no mistakes..- Lady Gaga

1. I love music and singing is my passion.
2. I wish I can read music notes and play instruments.
3. I like the song I Can’t Make You Love Me by Bonnie Raitt
4. I can sing I Simply Live For You and Here In My Life by heart.
5. I love learning new things.
6. I love blogging.
7. I believe knowledge is power.
8. I love to eat.
9. I love cookies, chocolates and ice cream
10. I love to cook but I am not good at it.
11. I believe friends are important.
12. I have a hard time expressing my feelings sometimes.
13. I'd rather be hurt than hurt someone else.
14. My family is my world
15. My husband came in opportune time.
16. My greatest perks? my children.
17. I am bound to love them forever.
18. My dream place is Greece.
19. I wish I could speak another language like French or Spanish.
20. I miss the days were I can go anywhere, spend anyhow and have fun anytime.
21. I am always workaholic.
22. I work best under pressure.
23. I'm a multi-tasker.
24. I have a huge crush on Chris Evans before.
25. I want to be the Filipino-version of Darlene Zschech
26. I'm sensitive and emotional.
27. I believe there is nothing wrong with crying.
28. I would rather give my things to those who need them than sell them.
29. I believe in God.
30. I take it that things happen for a reason.
31. I was 24 when my father passed away.
32. I got my first job when I was 21.
33. My first favorite movie was A Walk To Remember.
34. But my all-time favorite movie is Fireproof.
35. I wish I knew how to sew clothes, accessorize and put make up on.
36. I believe knowledge is power.
37. I dream Big.
38. I believe communication is essential to any lasting relationship.
39. I believe teaching manners is important.
40. I'm not a morning person, and I hate Mondays.
41. I don't like people who drink liquor.
42. I like to browse the internet.
43. I like to watch TV.
44. Best time of the day is sun rise and best day of the week is Friday
45. My other talent is story telling.
46. My secret dream is to become a writer.
47. I have a Bachelor's Degree in Psychology.
48. I am yet to finish my post graduate course
49. I am now 36 and was born June 6.
50. My life now is work and home

Missing Father

Not all the time I want to talk about my childhood, especially the part where father left us. We practically grew up without him, and nobody cared to explain why. I didn’t ask anyone either because I thought it was forbidden to talk about it. So, I was left alone to surmise things for myself. I figured out that maybe if I don’t discuss him, missing and longing would not be real. So why only now, you might ask, bringing it out into open? For some strange reason, it just struck me.

The first few months were extremely raw for me. I was dealing with grief in different ways. As for my other siblings, I'd like to think I was the closest to him. That's why when he left,I was the one really affected. But no one knew about it. Outwardly, I looked fine but in the inside, I was developing insecurities. My mother, then, became so consumed looking for means to feed us. She would get her hands on anything just so we can continue with our studies.

Father taught my first ABC. He was just so patient; I would not be able to do the same thing if I was on his shoes. He would scribbled my name on the first line of a Grade one pad paper and have me filled up the whole page, back and front, with my large, bold-print handwriting. He was my first teacher in math too. We own a small sari sari store then and he would ask me to give the loose change. Unluckily, I never grew love for numbers. I also remember contacting skin infection before my school age. I would scratch my arms and legs until they turned red. I was once, covered with sores and lesions and father did all he could to soothe and relieve me. He would boil few guava leaves and bathe me with it. He would also tuck me neatly to bed after falling into sleep while waiting for him to finish his boxing on TV. I hate the sports when I was a child, but now I shriek, yell and shout every time Pacquaio made a hit.

Untold til now, I was in the comfort room when I heard him and mother fighting. No, he didn’t hit her, but they were cursing and calling names and then I saw him walk out of the house. I can't imagine how my young heart handled it. There was emptiness I can't explain. He came to school a few times but that’s were all to it. He showed up some 13 years later at my brother’s wedding, but only to leave again. Until news came that he died.

I kept rationalizing with myself that I had every right to be mad. Life wasn’t supposed to be this way – my father was supposed to watch me graduate with my college degree. He was supposed to give me fatherly advice to send me on my way to the “real world.” He was supposed to be one that walked me down the aisle at my wedding.

My father had swiftly moved out of our lives, like a movie scene of mysterious men on horseback making a mad escape into the dark night, leaving only a swirl of dust in their absence. But now that I’m of better age and understanding, even though my life still feels like a jigsaw puzzle sometimes in which the pieces don’t quite fit, I’m in a good place right now. I have my own family to cherish and take care of. True, that sad thoughts come in every now and then, but I’m slowly letting them all go. Surely, I will miss him all my life..

What I Almost Forgot

It was this last Valentine that my husband took me out to dinner. The first time after seven years. When we were still single, we were inseparable. We will hang out in some place else after work. No special occasions that we were not together. But things changed when we got married, especially when the children arrived.
End of the two of us. It is always been four of us since then.

I cannot account if it’s because of the budget, time or who’s- going-to-be-with them if we will have our “us” time. So seven years went by and I hardly remember how to feel smitten, infatuated, love-struck by my ex-boyfriend. Ex because he is already my husband.

But that night, we went for it. Alone. No kids. Just the two of us. But believe me; the feeling was kind of strange. Several times I asked him if we can fetch and take the kids with us. He thought for awhile and said okay. But later on we’ve decided that it was our night, our date.

So there we were, at Food Choice in Glorietta Mall in Makati, surrounded by heaps of pasta. From carbonara, to pesto, to something like sweetened flat spaghetti. They go with two pieces of chicken, one with corn sauce and another with what looked like a hickory sauce. It was no candle-lit dinner but the pleasure of being with your faithful and loving husband made it all the more fun and exciting. And oh, did I ever mention that he gave me 3 roses with 2 Cadbury bars? Although our conversation was not as romantic as before, we talked for three good hours.

Because of some faulty thinking, I thought parents don’t have any right to enjoy life and have fun. Now I know better. A day will come when our kids will grow up and leave us. And one day, we will be left alone in an empty, quiet house. Now that we haven’t lost the interest, the fun, the love of spending time together yet, I promised to take care of not losing it. For I don’t want to be left with a cold, distant, bitter husband later on.

So husbands and wives? Your relationship needs time.
Either you pay now or pay later.
When you pay later, it always costs more.
I suggest you pay now.

Heart Matters

Have you ever prepared for a birthday party before?
It’s always hard work.

But who said love isn’t hard work? As I am aware, love is about dirty hands, not just beating hearts.

Relationship is like a birthday party. You prepare, plan and pray that everything will go smoothly. But the thing is, there is no relationship that did not meet hardships and difficulties. Something will always come up to ruin it. Boredom, money, indifferences, lack of time, etc. Banished the idea that you two are exact pieces of a puzzle. A peg in a hole. Remember that you were different individuals until you decided to marry. So like a party, there is a constant threat of broken dishes, spoiled desserts, dull and boring moments.

Five husbands?! Remember the story of Jesus and the Samaritan woman? When Jesus met her at the well, she was told to go home and get her husband. But the Samaritan replied, I have no husband. And the Lord said, yes you are right. You have no husband, because the man you’re living with right now is not your husband. And you have had five husbands already.

How sad to get through five heartaches, how depressing to be left alone not once or twice but five times! I remember my most hurtful break up with a man. I was literally shedding bucket full of tears. Every single night. It was so painful I thought I was going to die. Talk about hitting rock bottom. And like me, she must really have felt ugly, unattractive, fat and totally replaceable,five times over! But I knew that God has other plans for me. He let me hit rock bottom to find my way to true love.

For the long and short of it, nothing guarantees a perfect relationship. And no book can ever prepare you to achieve it. It’s a journey and test in itself. You have to put in all the hard work, without expecting any return. And like throwing parties, taking care of relationships can be hard and very frustrating.

If you’re reading this, wondering if it’s really worth starting, keeping, saving the kind of relationship you have right now, let tell you: you life, your feelings, your desire are God’s business too. He loves you more than you can imagine.

Receive His love today.
And learn to throw more parties in your life.
Your relationships need them badly.

Proverbs 30:18-19
There are three things that amaze me—
no, four things that I don’t understand:
how an eagle glides through the sky,
how a snake slithers on a rock,
how a ship navigates the ocean,
how a man loves a woman. (NLT)

Can't Help Growing Old

Have you heard the song, “Grow Old With you” by Adam Sandler? You know, the one from the movie The Wedding Singer. That sounds sort of cool, isn’t it? I wonder if it’s really like that. For someone who will not really mind seeing you wrinkled, saggy and lined? Is there really such kind of devotion that left you blind to thinning hair and bulging stomachs. Still find you adorable even if you have frequent tantrums and grumpiness because you are aching all over? That’s a tad incredible. And sounds a bit, well, out of this world, might I add. But then, knowing me, I’m in love with love. I can believe all matters of the heart.

I wanna make you smile when you’re sad
Carry you around when your arthritis is bad…

…Oh, All I wanna do is grow with you.

So you go from first kiss to your wedding day and, later, you discovered that things are a lot different. When you were single, there’s a bitter sweet feeling when you split up. And I suppose you could say that you missed him already seconds after he left. But now that you live under one roof, and found out that he snores like a cow, you wish you live world apart. Certainly, you know that things work differently sometimes.

I’ll get your medicine when your tummy aches
Build you a fire if the furnace breaks

…Oh, it could be so nice
Growing old with you.

But here’s an interesting thought: he sticks with you at the delivery room, cleans the house a bit when you don’t and shows genuine concern when you’re sick. I remember contacting UTI and had fever that reached 40 degrees, my husband went out of his way to bring me to the doctor and left only when I’m okay. And looking back over the last several years, he would always let me get inside the bus first before he does, takes the danger side when we’re in the street and hold my hands no matter how sticky and sweaty they sometimes are. He also takes pride at our little family. He would always mention how tall my eldest gets each day and the youngest, how she looks more her mother as the days pass.

Need You
Feed You
Even let you hold the remote control…

…Oh, All I wanna do is grow with you.

I can't think about the day that I will be away from him without getting a huge lump in my throat. I pray that we will grow into greater understanding of each other. And that there is no way that any gray hair, arthritic hands or drooping eyes bags steps in the way.