This.is.like.my. job. now.

Today is a Saturday. I don't count the weeks anymore, I count the months. I never want to count the years. Years is too long without nothing to do. Losing a job isn’t very glamorous. You’re bound to do house chores, tending naughty kids and waiting for husband to come home. But that's life - in all it's gloriousness, confusion, darkness. That's life.

My eldest is going to be 10 tomorrow. He used to fit in romper suits and play with nails and suck on a dummy and now he has started to get a little less clingy with me. I had to teach him how to tie a tie. We're not there yet, but we're close. Often I look at him and cry from love, especially when he was a baby but also especially lately when suddenly all of us in life seem so fragile.

He plays every games with his friends. And still cried if he lost. One time he went home crying because a clown wouldn’t let him win. And not too long ago, he bagged most of the prizes in a birthday party. He was beaming with pride. Yes, he's naturally competitive.

I ask him what the current crop of girls are like.

"Ahhh, dunno ma I'm not interested in girls at the moment."

I told him I *bet* they're interested in him and we both laughed.

And I remembered how tiny he was as a baby, how I'd stand at his door during daytime naps waiting for him to wake up because I missed him.

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I Need To Be Fixed

Hey. How's it hangin'? I'm doing ok. I lost my mother last November. Guess what, I lost my job this month.

I keep telling people that I resigned, that I got tired of 12 hours of commute and office work. That it is tiring, boring, repetitive. Truth is we were picked, chosen, listed down, singled out and decided on. All 11 of us. I jokingly called ourselves Deep Ocean Eleven. We were in deep pit. Like the movie.

The first thing I did when I got home was tell my husband to feed me while I am out of job. He laughed hard. Really, I can't wait to get out. I'm nervous about doing things differently but I'll just do them a day at a time.

So right now I'm doing a lot of handwringing, questioning, working things out, cramming myself to get a new job. I may be some time. Consequently, my whole system is affected. For how can I explain my constipation, urinary tract infection and hairy armpit? People have already gently told me I need to start getting over this and just, no. No I do not, thank you.

There's been a lot of lying on my bed. The days go pretty slowly around here, and if I don't find things to do I feel yuck. I'm reading books but I wash clothes pretty much of the week. I wonder why the bin never emptied.

I'm incredibly sorry for such a blurty blogpost but there it is. Hopefully if I just write it and publish it will help me let some stuff go.

Like what this picture is doing to me.



A pat on the back saying "Ma, it will be okay".

How on earth does anyone get through idleness?

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