Tough Love

I read somewhere that grief is born the moment your loved one dies. It's been over three months now that my mother died. And exactly like a newborn baby, grief needs constant care and attention and tending. You just can't ignore it.

She left November last year and I thought I was okay with it. I didn’t feel anything. Who cares who will be the next person to die?

But things are different lately. Coz I miss her at this time. And nobody knows. At this point I'm not sure if it's depression or grief.



Grief is part of my life now. It just is and there's nothing I can do about it. I'm not going to stifle it or compartmentalise it. This may mean I'll be feeling it until I'm eighty. I'm gonna feel what I feel, with no right or wrong. Grieving doesn't mean I'm not still living, weeding, parenting, recovering, doing Valentines, cooking meals, cleaning the toilet. It just means that all of those things are harder.

I am turning 40 on June and the older I get, the less I understand life. I don't know if love is worth the pain. I don't know anything. When one plucked the roots, the whole plant will be gone, leaving a bare space where it once stood. So we plant some other seeds, see if they take. Really, we won't know what stays or what fades away.



I just thought I'd let you know that my crying for her is done in private.

It's primal and unlike any cry I've ever cried.

::

Drifting Again

Four years ago we began. I suppose we never really ended, chasing the cancer cells through surgery, the terrible promise of Tamoxifen, and hospital visits again and again. Mother found her own way around the cancer there. The journey changed. The path became less clear and more muddled. It's strange in a way. Side effects of breast cancer. The trouble is dealing with that, with knowing it and living in it, walking around each day with that settled on your soul. The adjustment is not pleasant.

In many ways, I'm not sure what to expect.

A day when the thoughts are closer to the surface, when my memory of her good health is more easily accessible and the road to recovery is a little clearer. But it's still just a day. I cried, but not as much as I might have. There is no clarity, at least not anything new. Some days I feel strong, some other days even the shallowest drama on TV would bring me to tears.

She is in a hospital again. Doctors extracted the fluid out of her right lung. No big deal. Root Canal would have been longer. And more painful I guess.



But the day passed on too slow. Again. I’m counting of all the days until she is out of the hospital.

I know better to expect revelations. I know better than to expect anything at all on a schedule. It's been four years and I know that there will be more years to come. I know in the end it will settle. Not settles in the sense that it's ok, or not horrific in some way, but settles in the sense that it is not actively debilitating when it happens. Loss of any kind, especially the loss out of order of someone you love, is not a wound that heals. Closure is an impractical and misplaced goal. Mother is not a torn ligament or a broken bone, something a surgery and a few months of rehab will set right without further ado. You live with it. Your only choice is how you choose to do that.



Some people don’t know any better. Once they knew about mother, they give us the "cancer eyes." These were the eyes people, from hospital staff to strangers, would give us when they found out mother’s breast cancer. Pity, mostly. The looks I get from these acquaintances are very similar "condolence eyes." Like cancer eyes, I have little patience for them. That's not to say I do not appreciate people feeling bad about what happened to her. Of course I do. But pity does not interest me. To me, that undermines the experience. I prefer sympathy, or empathy. If people want to talk about her, I'm happy to do so. People have told me they were sorry and added something, talked about it. If they're just going to say the words for the sake of saying them though, I'd rather we skipped the formality.



I know this may sound harsh, that people just want to be kind. I know they're trying and do not mean anything by it. Still, I think it's important to recognize what's good to say and what's not. So I suppose I'm trying to say that. I am glad when people talk about her. What I am not interested in is people saying something just for the sake of saying it. Or mocking it. I did not notice it before, but I do now.

::

Thank you all for your continued thoughts and prayers.

Moon Like No Other

Last night, while we were watching TV, the earth’s celestial neighbor appeared 14 percent larger and 30 percent brighter than normal. The biggest and brightest full moon of the year—called the SUPERMOON—graced the Philippine sky 7:32 pm.

It loomed larger on the horizon next to trees and buildings.

However it hid behind rain clouds.

Chances or not, could it be the reason why I am not happy?

Has the moon ate all up the good times and return with the bad times that is cancer?



Back in 2009, my mother was diagnosed with Stage 2 cancer. The next three years appeared normal. Until last month. She was sent again to the hospital for Theocentisis. A half liter of fluid was extracted from her lung. She is literally drowning. But she does not know it. She said she felt nothing. It appeared Cancer has metastised.

She grew up in a farm house in Calumpit Bulacan, said it was both tough and easy.

"Noong araw, walang tamad. Lahat may ginagawa sa loob ng bahay, kalit maliit na bata. Mahirap ang buhay, pero masaya. Naglalaro hangang tawagin na kami ni Ina dahil gabi na. Ngayon puro computer. Nakakaawa.”

I cannot agree more.

Today everything was kind of off-centre and wrong.

I worry so much, that the circumstances and stress surrounding her cancer has somehow affected her, and affected us. Though she softened a bit. She was no longer cursing when the youngest had tantrum. She leaves that already to us.

I know the panic will wear off one day, and we are left to live our lives like normal people.

Life is short. Do all of the wild and precious things you can possibly think of. Now. There won't always be time.

In the meantime ..... we're here to learn and grow and evolve, as much as we can. Be kind, man. Give of yourself to your family, and friends, and others. There's a saying that's been drummed into my head over time - you've got to give it away to keep it.

::

The Mystery Remains

Ok. Maybe it’s me. Maybe I’m the idiot in this scenario. I guess that’s possible. Maybe I was supposed to realize I needed someone with super human skills to understand my pre-menstrual moods. I spent all day yesterday arguing with myself, my kids and Hubs, growing increasingly disheartened as the day wore on. My mood swings were so terrible, it's almost hellish. 

But what can I do?

Its the Hormone Hostage. You have to know that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth to a woman and takes his very life into his own hands.

And while I neglect to mention on here though is that Hubs is the most patient, most loving person that you will ever meet, there are times he thinks I'm crazy. I was so hot-tempered, I get piqued by little reason so easily. But enduring as he is, and although he snores like a bolting thunder, he puts up with my crazy hormonal moods and this makes him automatically a saint.

And these happen every month.

Well there’s a handy guide, labeled as Dangerous, Safer, Safest and Ultrasafe. When you're bargaining with pre-menstrual women, chocolates are best solutions. And it should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband or boyfriend when their partner's red flag is up. 

In closing, the difference between a woman on her period and a terrorist is that you can negotiate with a terrorist.

The Weight of a Woman

There’s no business like show business. Everything about it is appealing. And of course, nowhere can you get that happy feeling.

This line is from a musical Annie. And it also says that there are no people like show people – those happy, flashy, extravagant, over-the-top people who have seamlessly mastered the art of acting, singing and dancing.

They look so powerful and seem well put together. But if you dig deeper ever so slightly the surface, the glamour perhaps the high profile status is torn down and changed into much more humane and common and totally relatable. You see them on cam and you tell yourself how perfect they are. Like all the puzzle pieces just naturally fall into place. You can just tell by the way they talk and carry themselves. It really is a sight to behold, actually. But behind the spotlight, they turned into wives and mothers who are also scared, broken, scarred and worried by life’s imperfections.

These women are beautiful as well as amazing.

And they both have children with severe autism.

Kris Aquino is a celebrity here in the Philippines. She is at the moment a single parent, who loves his two sons so much, including the special child Joshua. He is diagnosed with autism, learning disabilities and Attention Deficit Disorder.

In fact, she has already allotted a big trust fund for the two kids specially to her special child. Her brother, Noynoy Aquino the president of the Philippines, even said that he didn't marry because he wants to take care of Joshua.

She delivered the late night news. Broadcast journalist Karen Davila’s firstborn, David, was 3½ years old when he was diagnosed with Pervasive Developmental Disorder, Not Otherwise Specified (PDD/NOS) in the Autism Spectrum, a severe form of autism. The development pediatrician said there was no cure for David’s condition.

These women are remarkable. And it makes me feel like, little by little, those walls of stereotypes and misconceptions are being torn down. You see them all glammed up but sure they’d come home to children who need them, like how my children need me. Who can make them laugh, aren't afraid to be silly with them, who knows just the trick to get them to eat their peas – and other tons of things in this world to raise kids, to watch them grow and learn and thrive.

And speaking of disabilities in case you ask, would we ever trade your children and exchanged them for somebody who are cuter, chubbier, brilliant, more talented individuals. Our answer? Never.

Finding Friends

You can’t catch time when you’re busy catching your rowdy kids

Sorry friends. I miss you and I love you, but my hands were full. In as much as I want to yak all my stress up, converse where life has taken me so far, and convince you to death that I really took Zumba, there were lots of things on my plate. You know my kids. They trick me into “Ma, we need you more than you need friends”.

They make me feel this way all the time. Every time.

I met my college friends last December 31 and I miss them. I just couldn’t let this one pass. Gah, I miss going out. Sadly, I can’t do that as frequently as I want. And sadly, I met them with my brood.

The food was great, the place just fine. Only I had a nightmare on the first hours. I was no use to anybody because I was always busy with the kids. They need me like air. Forget the steep stairs, or the kidnappers. I fear them breaking the glass barriers anytime, falling straight down the concrete floors of Festival Mall in Alabang. Ang mahal kaya ng glass barriers.!

So to these people who I got the chance to share my life with, although very seldom I see and chat, I hope our ties will never end. And despite of the long times that went by we connected last, and the more time it takes to catch up, I know friendships are not about time and distance alone. It is about the heart that never forgets. I pray that our friendship will last forever. I pray that our kids will be friends too and share crazy stuff and relate stories only genuine people can value and understand.

To my one friend who feels that love is so elusive: Ease up. Don’t worry it will come in the right time. Feel good and look good. Love find its way to a heart that never stops dreaming and believing.

To my other friend who just entered her first romantic relationship: Enjoy the moment. Don’t fret about things you cannot control. Go with the flow. And let life takes it’s course. Sometimes when you release the reins, things fall into place naturally and simply. As they should.

And to you who suck up all the craziness of this world and still end up the best mom: I am so proud of you. You have already proven yourself. I adore your klutziness. You never hold back and that’s what makes you special. I pray you meet your one true love some day.

This post is for you guys. Rock and roll!

Would You Ever Fall For....Disc Jockeys?

Would you ever fall for someone you have not seen but only heard? Did you ever try putting a face to the voice? Today, DJs play a more visible role in mass media thanks to live video streaming and commercial endorsements. But growing up, I can only imagine how they look in real life. I remember listening to AM radio where early news and dramas are main staple. And if ever you’re my age and are also fond of listening to FM band, you will know this Mellow Touch line…

You are the minstrel, I'm your guitar I'll play your music straight to your heart Each day (blah.. blah..) You are the minstrel, I'm your guitar The mellow sound of W double L...

Just merely singing it come waves of rushing memories. Songs touched me in a natural way. They speak my heart. Sometimes we think nobody can ever relate to us and so we find ourselves in a rut. We trick ourselves into believing that we are -- without a doubt -- the only people on the planet who have ever felt the way we feel or have experienced what we have. But songs are such powerful tool to describe how really does one feel.

And these days where radios are not only about songs but life seen as a whole. And listening no longer one way but interactive, a lot more fun and alive than it was during my time, I can’t help but be smitten by how these Disc Jockeys touch the lives of their distraught callers. They may sound trivial, and funny but if you dig ever so slightly beneath the surface, reality takes place.

Here’s what they said.

Joe D’ Mango, Love Notes, DZMM

True love only comes once in a lifetime, so take it as it comes along and enjoy every bit of it while it is still burning strong

Papa Jack, 90.7 Love Radio

We all wanted to be superman only to venture out in life looking for our very own kryptonite.

Bro Jun Banaag, Dr.Love , DZMM

To let go of someone doesn't mean that you have to stop loving. it only means that you allow that person to find his own happiness without expecting him to come back.

Chico and Delamar, The Morning Rush, RX 93.1 Smile! You don’t own all the problems in the world. Some of them are mine.

Papa Bear, Barangay LS FM, LS 97.1

Life is definitely a roller coaster, it's only when you begin to appreciate the ups and the downs that the ride becomes more fulfilling.

What do you think, friends?

Affectionate

Have you ever wanted to just tell someone everything you're feeling, but for some reason you know that you can't? May be because it’s weird? awkward? that your admission could potentially mess everything up? Well, how about boxing your thoughts in a sticker like these:



This post is brought to you by Weekword, and our word for today is AFFECTIONATE. For those of you who haven’t played before and like to know the basic rules, here goes: You have to share in any creative outlet you would like-painting, writing, poetry, lyrics, music, photos, collage, mixed media, drawing, verse, dialogue, videos, anything really-your interpretation of that week’s word on your blog.

Also, please visit my blog friend, Genskie of Genskie's Written Voices for the list of bloggers who joined Week word.

See, it's as simple as that. What do you think? Would anyone like to join?

Nine Years Later

Hubs is definitely nicer than I am. Here’s why…

Next Thursday will be our 9th anniversary. Nine Years!!! It feels longer, both in good and bad ways. He still snores like a rocket about to launch, you know. But through it all, so much have happened since my last anniversary post here.

Over these years, I’ve learned a few things about marriage (and of course, am still learning). Be the front and center to your children. Say thank you. You’re allowed to get mad. Kiss each other goodbye.

But Hubs, who is actually a year younger but a lot wiser, does something really great. Coming out of nowhere, he texts, tells other people, says in my face in front of children, that he is lucky to have found me. Cheez. He does that even seconds after a verbal fight.

I usually shrug it off, thinking “hmm..bola!”. But deeper, I know he means it. And he wants me to hear it.
Not exactly, but in similar matter, I read an article about a husband who also does something great. In height of an argument, he says, "I love you!" right in the middle. It's amazing.



Here's what the husband said: "The secret to a long and happy marriage is not the idea that nothing bad is ever going to happen. But it's that when something bad happens, you know how to get through it together. One of the most important things is that when you're having a fight, instead of ratcheting up the emotion, you diffuse it. In the middle of a fight, say, "I love you; you're the most important person in the world to me," even if at that moment, those words are the hardest ones to choke out because you're so mad. It reminds you both of the big picture. It doesn't make it instantly better, but it takes it down a notch. And in the cool-down period afterward, you're not left questioning. You know everything is going to be ok. Half an hour after the fight, it's over and you feel good."

Great idea, right? I cannot tell you what a difference it makes. I'm still too hotheaded to do it myself, but I'm glad Hubs is nicer, better, sweeter person than I am.

What little secrets and tips do you have for relationships? Do you fight fair? I'd love to hear...

{Photo via LeLove}

The New Math of Relationships

Ever wonder why we can't easily get to the bottom of life's happiness, success and all that abstract ideas until now? Only if there's a way to take all the complexities and confusions out of relationships and break everything from arguments to honeymoons and down into simple, mathematical equations-you know- a way to "quantify the world", we will all come up to something like these:



{Source via morenewmath}

Believing

                                 I don't believe in battles. 
                                                           I believe in instinct.
                          I don't believe that motherhood is a job. 
                                                           It's a life.
                          I don't believe in gender equality. 
                                                           I believe in people. I believe in difference.
                          I don't believe that parenting is for one's enjoyment. 
                                                           It's for giving it your all.
                          I don't believe in quality time. 
                                                          Just time.
                          I don't believe in confrontation. 
                                                          Just conversation.
                          I don't believe in diets or scales.
                                                          I believe in feeling good.
                          I don't believe in niceties or small talk. 
                                                          I believe in real conversation.
                          I don't believe in secrecy. 
                                                          I believe in honesty.
                          I don't believe in drudgery. 
                                                          It's all about adventure and passion.
                          I don't believe in running away. 
                                                          I believe in bravery.
                          I don't believe it's hard. 
                                                          I think the secret of life is in its simplicity.

You Can’t Choose Your Family

Thirty Eight Years. That's almost four decades of existence. It seems like an eternity wrapped in a milisecond, if that makes any sort of sense. A long stretch of time on the highway of life and yet the miles seem to have passed by so quickly. Old family photos look so yesterday. Gone are the days of youthful appearance. Instead, you see your parent looking more like your grandparents while you getting your parent’s “look“.

If you know what I mean.



Life is a funny thing, isn't it? You can never really know where you're going or who you’ll end up with until you've looked at it through the lens of where you've been. Life is one wild journey, and marriage among other things is one side of self-discovery with no U-turn. In those years, I've...

*Wielded power during early times of loss, deaths, separations, unemployment, etc.

*Fought against the challenge of poverty that tried to stop from me pursuing college.

*Loved, had my heartbroken and broke a few hearts (well, in my mind) along the way.

*Finally graduated from college, got married and bore kids.

*Had 2 Cesarean surgeries.

*Exposed myself to criticisms of bringing up kids (and raising up husband).

*Molded the future Katy Perry as mom to Yana who loves to sing ‘Fireworks’.

Not looking far, I see and hear lots of stories of marriage breakdowns, watch lives go down the drain of depression, self-hating and hopelessness. And see the consequences in their children’s unhappy faces. Sadly you can’t choose your family. This is because you can’t make life for them. Our children’s lives are the sum of our choices and decisions as parents. As for one parent who stood the ground of trials and hardships of raising children alone, you are definitely a hero. No one can prepare for emotional meltdown.



Not knowing better, I looked at marriage failure before as a bad thing. As if it is because of some sort of inherent - and fatal - character flaws that prevent you from building a happy home. But for others, especially mothers, who choose to embrace her responsibilities, saying "I' can do this ." There's such power in that declarative, isn't there?

I've grown, I've changed, but most importantly, I've learned. Everywhere I've been, every experience I've had, every encounter I've had with another person? It's all part of the story of where I've been. And honestly, it's sort of amazing to look at your life written out in a list like that. If nothing else, it makes you realize one thing: Life is still a ride you never want to get off of. And that's something to be celebrated.

Every. Single. Day.

Some Growing Up To Do

Times have changed.

In 1900, fathers prayed their children would learn English. Today, fathers pray their children will speak English.

In 1900, if a father put a roof over his family’s head, he was a success. Today, it takes a roof, deck, pool, and 4-car garage. And that’s just the vacation home.

In 1900, a father waited for the doctor to tell him when the baby arrived. Today, a father must wear a smock, know how to breathe, and make sure film is in the video camera.

In 1900, fathers passed on clothing to their sons. Today, kids wouldn’t touch Dad’s clothes a mile away.

In 1900, fathers could count on children to join the family business. Today, fathers pray their kids will soon come home from college long enough to teach them how to work the computer and set the DVD player.

In 1900, fathers shook their children gently and whispered, “Wake up, it’s time for school.” Today, kids shake their fathers violently at 4 a.m., shouting: “Wake up, it’s time for soccer practice.”

In 1900, a father came home from work to find his wife and children at the supper table. Today, a father comes home to a note: “Jimmy’s at baseball, Cindy’s at gymnastics, I’m at gym, Pizza in fridge.”

In 1900, fathers and sons would have heart-to-heart conversations while fishing in a stream. Today, fathers pluck the headphones off their sons’ ears and shout, “WHEN YOU HAVE A MINUTE..”

In 1900, a father gave a pencil box for Christmas, and the kid was all smiles. Today, a father spends Five thousand Pesos at a toy Store, and the kid screams: “I wanted PlayStation 3!”

Things have changed. So what do we do? Give the kids everything they want? You know the answer. No Way! This is a better idea. Teach them the value of growth and learning. And how do we do that? By growing a little everyday ourselves.

Our children watch us and then they imitate us. If they see us reading books, then this gives them better incentives to do the same. But if the kids see us spacing out in front of the boob tube, do you still wonder why they’re glued to their computer screens too?

We need to grow a little new wood each year. So how do we grow? You start first with getting out of your comfort zone. Learn something new. Develop a new skill, learn a second language, brush up on your computer literacy or get into a new sport. Embrace the challenge. Be ready to fail because that is the entry point to success.

Constantly have this thought fixed in your mind: “When you’re green you’re growing but when you’re ripe you’re rotting.”

(a repost from Francis Kong.com Inspiring Excellence)

Choosing Your Battles

Dear Hubs,

Your love completes me. When you are gone, I am not whole. You are the wind beneath my wings. Ok, so you know the other day when I took your money from your wallet, I know you understand it . And being the awesome husband you are, you told me what’s yours is mine too, right dear?

Well, I just wanted to say thank you and I love you.

Thank you and I love you.

Um, but there's something else.

I also took your one thousand pesos tucked so neatly inside the hidden pocket of your wallet (why the hiding, dear?). We’ll its not really stealing but you see, the kids are so choosy these days. They want lunch money aside from the cookies, biscuits, sandwhich we give them. And I also need a new pair of shoes.

Ok, so I took the money and then I bought new shoes with it.

But before you get mad that your own wife, your soul mate, the love of your life, stole what could very be the last money you had, please remember how willingly I shared my life with you. Or at least the two kids I delivered with C-cuts to make you happy. Ok, that's all.

I love you, and I'm sorry I stole from you. I'd like to say that I won't do it again, but...I'm trying to turn over a new "honesty is the best policy" leaf, so....

Yeah.

Love,

Your doting, awesome wife

The Thing That Scares Us At Night

It was very patchy. At first, it would start out sounding like coffee percolating. Up and down and then somewhere in the middle, it started to sound like a deflating balloon when you squeeze out of all of the air. And finally, it started to taper off after the motorboat period, which is probably self explanatory. Sometimes it would go straight from percolating coffee to motorboat, then to deflating balloon, then back to motorboat..

This is the sound of Hub’s migraine-inducing snoring at night. The kind where I would literally kick shake him to wake up. I don’t know. Thought he was convulsing or having heart attack or something. The snoring became so boisterous one night I thought there was an airplane that crash landed in front of the house. And if that’s my lucky night, he would stand straight up and ask some thing. This would go on for two seconds, and with a zombie-like look, he would sigh and fall right back to sleep.

But for some reason, his snoring doesn’t really and seriously piss me off. Because I too do somniloquy. I don’t only sleep talk, I also sleep walk. In fact one night Hubs told I was giving him instruction. When he asked me what I was doing I replied by making some kind of unholy snarling and grumbling. He almost called a priest to check if I was possessed, but later concluded that I was just sleep talking.

The reason that I chose to talk about this today is because it was Hubs birthday last week. I almost feel some shame in it but I thought to share with you guys how amazing we are as a couple. Don’t you think so?

Happy Birthday, Hubs!

The Gateway Arch Kind of Love

You should admit, ladies, that we still want to be swooned by our man right? Everyday we desire to be reminded that we are their mi amore. You know those moments where we are assured that even if we get more fleshy on the side, we are still the person they spotted among the crowd as the most attractive, most interesting, most beautiful, and the only one who can complete their dreams. Oh how marriage has become so fragile now a days. Show me marital break ups and I’ll show you a soap dish. Here’s my two cents: marriage need more than just meeting physical needs. It also thrives on the couples continuous support and encouragement, seen daily in actions, and reassured by spoken love and admiration.

Take the case of Eero Saarinen. In 1954, he wrote his wife, Aline, 13-point breakdown of what he sees best in her. Even if I know that these are hard to take as all truths, still his words speak nothing but love and undying devotion. Here it is:

{Eero Saarinen, A late US architect who designed The Greatway Arch.}

When is Giving Up Better?

I once thought that if I did the right things and made what I deemed to be the best choices – then life would be rosy and peaceful.

But we all look for little diversion in life right? and before we know it life becomes so busy, the real schedules demand more than we can give and many of our grand plans get lost in the shuffle. It's hard to remember that for all the activities we add, something must be removed - even if it's something that we all look forward to every week.

My extra-curricular activities are in full swing, church commitments require more time and of course my oh-so-wonderful(but-oh-so-consuming) kids need more than food and toys. They need you even if all you do is play hide and seek all afternoon. Even if I am itching to do something else, that need to wait. Aside from day job, I also have a sideline that eats also a lot of my time so other things are falling through the cracks: mainly housework, self-care and even time with friends. I thought these just need to wait but what I'm realizing is that it's now catching up to me. Around the house you see:

• Laundry that need to fold

• Ceilings, walls, and tops that need scrubbing and serious cleaning

• Toilet bowls that stinks and smells and need to sanitize

And a dozen of other house projects. My other secondary activities that require me to be out of the house, also take me away from completing these. Although they are not urgent but they definitely need results. These are just examples, but they can be applied to almost every situation.

I have no magical solutions, but writing out the list helps me know what needs to be worked on. This weekend I plan to try and catch up and be more proactive. Then I can determine which adjustments need to be made. A few thoughts are:

• Plan ahead as much as possible- see what needs the most importance.

• Delegate the task- discuss and share the house loads with husband and kids but don’t be a push over.

• Be ready to flexible- set for last minute interruptions, delays or changes but pursue on finishing the task.

Maybe you have other ways of catching up with the million chores and things to do inside the house. Let's talk about it, shall we?

Goodbye March

I love my February than my March this year. I know that we should be thankful for every thing, and I already see that nothing good come out from ranting and moaning. I possibly could have appreciated March, and having to like it for its cold rainy nights, but then of course my husband had Transient Ischemic Attack ((abbreviated as TIA, often referred to as mini stroke) middle of this month and was hospitalized for 2 days and has no health insurance. I should have liked March because have I befriended an old-time college pal and we are now talking again, but this same month almost turned me into an eyewitness to a shooting crime as well. Should I have not changed my way to my aerobic class one early morning, I could have witnessed the killing of a woman left dead along the road. Bystanders said she was shot exactly the time I was passing through the street. Husband told we should live somewhere else more safe. Good point, darling. Only, you need at least one million to change address.

But March is good to me all in all and here’s the breakdown:

1.I learned to dance Zumba and everytime I do it I imagined myself as Jena Dewan dancing with half clothed Channing Tatum.




2.I learned few things such as the TO Screenshot I made to my recent post.

3.Living and getting through premenstrual syndrome (PMS) which means surviving
intense physical discomfort and frequent bouts of mild depression.

4.Ready to admits to faults and getting a tiny bit more matured each day.

5.Finally, I discovered hubs’ severe addiction to Losartan. I told him once to stop
taking them because his kidneys may suffer, but was told back it quiets his blood
pressure.

Well, I know you can never have all the good things in life. But at least you still have 'life' to be thankful for.

Thank you all friends for attending the circus that is my brain.~

When He Is Sick

There are many ways a woman finds herself strong at the point where her man is weak. I often see my being emotional as my weakness, and my sensitive, almost neurotic responses to familial problems, I asked, 'have I toughened over the years?' Looking back, I would always seek stability and balance in everything: my budget, my concerns with the children, dealing with frustrations about husband, plus the self- discontent I sometimes feel. Last Monday, I brought my husband to the hospital because of chest pain, dizziness and numbness. I cannot think of any time in my life where I felt more vulnerable, more tired and more helpless than when one of my family is sick. Seeing him weak and at risk, I don’t know how I gathered myself together to show him that I am in-control and I take charge for us.

I spoke with the first doctor with strength and clarity of mind, but inside I cringed and wanted to walk away. Hospital scenes are not one of my favorites and so the smell, the noise, the drama inside the emergency room are the experiences I want to erase from memory along with deaths and funerals. The neurologist, who very kindly made us wait for three hours to be seen, even if this was emergency and husband is dying of anything between simple gas pain and stroke, arrived and simple and upfront, she ordered for CT Scan. After filling out the paperwork, I gave the clipboard back to the receptionist and watched as her lips sweetly uttered:

“You don’t have insurance. That’s 6,500.00, Ma’m”

I thought the numbness transferred to me. I can’t feel anything. There was a lump in my throat, and there was very little air coming in. Good thing we were already at the emergency room and my Maxicare was just in my pocket. And that’s how I realized, while God meant no harm for us, and so sicknesses and bad health are reminders that sometimes they are the results of our bad habits, it is also important to have health insurance. No matter how much they cost, HMO’s can free you from unpleasant surprises. Since the matter is not an issue (or the lack) of HMO, we went on with the CT scan and was later told that husband is well and good.

The whole experience taught us many things. God allows sickness so that we might know
that He is God. Trust in the fact that God loves you and He is not playing games with your life. Therefore, rest in the fact that God loves you. Trust in God’s character, wisdom, and power. He cares about you! Trust that He is smarter than you are and that He will somehow use this suffering for good. Secondly, if you can afford it, protect yourself with the use of a health care provider. Put your hard earned money where they should be.



And here is something to make us think why health is a true wealth...

* The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.


* So many people spend their health gaining wealth, and then have to spend their wealth to regain their health.

* I refuse to spend my life worrying about what I eat. There is no pleasure worth forgoing just for an extra three years in the geriatric ward.

* My fat scares me - it's a ticking time bomb.

* Those obsessed with health are not healthy; the first requisite of good health is a certain calculated carelessness about oneself.

* It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like. –

* If you do everything you should do, and do not do anything you should not do, you will, according to the best available statistics, live exactly eighteen hours longer than you would otherwise.

* If you resolve to give up smoking, drinking and loving, you don't actually live longer; it just seems longer.

* It's no coincidence that four of the six letters in health are "heal."


* Bacteria keeps us from heaven and puts us there.


* If your body's not right, the rest of your day will go all wrong.

Still On Making Leap Year Your Love Year

As we now know that there are more than meets the eye. You can be still be admirable sans expensive clothes, sexy even without coiling lock of your hair in front of him, or look drop-dead gorgeous without make up on. Of course, we can all do and have that but innately lies our most lethal weapon in sacking Mr. Right.

Here’s the list:

A Smile
You can't ever go wrong by smiling. I mean, if you are missing a lot of teeth or you drool when you smile, or your spit collects on each corners of your lips, (or some other random condition), then guys might back away from you. But a smile is always attractive, no matter what the circumstances. Your lips can be your most romantic asset. A flood of unbelievable emotion can come crashing down on you just from a simple curl of the lip.

Eyes
Eyes are related to smiles in the sense that when you smile (for real) your eyes can light up. Bright eyes (again, barring random disfiguration of the eyeballs) are quite attractive. Plus, I don't think anyone has ever had a problem with you checking out their eyeballs. It is said that when a man is looking at a woman he is interested in his pupils dilate. This is perhaps the hardest sign to catch. But you will never hear anyone saying, "quit undressing my eyes with your eyes!" It's silly. So? squint those eyes, honey.

Attitude
A confident attitude (not stuck-up, vain, or pompous, mind you) is always attractive. If eyes are window to the soul and smile is an action of love, attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference. A person who has good thoughts cannot ever be ugly. You can have a wonky nose and a crooked mouth and a double chin and stick-out teeth, but if you have good thoughts they will shine out of your face like sunbeams and you will always look lovely. Melissa, a prolific US writer, born with Freeman-Shledon Syndrome, author of So About What You Said, tags, "smart is the new sexy, awkward is the new cool and flawed is the new beautiful. What an attitude!

Plays Nice With Others
I think women who are kind are hot. This secret quality goes a long way in my book, and not only does it add to your attractiveness level, but it immediately gives you "possible keeper" status. I mean, who wants to be with a jerk? If you don’t have schemes and is open and not delusional about relationships, you can never go wrong. And you don’t hurt yourself a lot either. Even the Backstreet Boys may not like the idea of you playing games with their hearts, you know.



Actually, there are really no magical solutions to lacking or losing a partner. I mean, you can’t win love by just winking eyes or pouting lips. There are no sure-fire tricks because there are really no perfect love stories in the first place. If you break your heart again and again that’s because you took the risk. I know it’s hard to always go back re-learning how not-in-control you are when it comes to love situations. But even without the promise of forever, it’s God’s way of telling that in love, you only hope, you only trust.