Tough Love

I read somewhere that grief is born the moment your loved one dies. It's been over three months now that my mother died. And exactly like a newborn baby, grief needs constant care and attention and tending. You just can't ignore it.

She left November last year and I thought I was okay with it. I didn’t feel anything. Who cares who will be the next person to die?

But things are different lately. Coz I miss her at this time. And nobody knows. At this point I'm not sure if it's depression or grief.



Grief is part of my life now. It just is and there's nothing I can do about it. I'm not going to stifle it or compartmentalise it. This may mean I'll be feeling it until I'm eighty. I'm gonna feel what I feel, with no right or wrong. Grieving doesn't mean I'm not still living, weeding, parenting, recovering, doing Valentines, cooking meals, cleaning the toilet. It just means that all of those things are harder.

I am turning 40 on June and the older I get, the less I understand life. I don't know if love is worth the pain. I don't know anything. When one plucked the roots, the whole plant will be gone, leaving a bare space where it once stood. So we plant some other seeds, see if they take. Really, we won't know what stays or what fades away.



I just thought I'd let you know that my crying for her is done in private.

It's primal and unlike any cry I've ever cried.

::

You Will Be Missed Forever

Exactly one week today, on a Thursday, my mother’s sufferings finally ended. She was laid to rest beside her parents’ grave in an old cemetery.

In know our lives go on. We will smile more, laugh more. Love more. But we will never stop missing. We will never stop loving.

Looking forward to a day of peace and healing.

I pray that this coming Christmas and all the Christmasses to come, you all feel your mother’s presence with you more strongly.



::

My mother is dead

But she is not gone.

And I love her like she is alive.

When The Day Is Long and Hard

Months previously, I was trying so hard to go against sadness. I know I was teetering toward mild depression hence my slight effort to start Christmas early in this blog.

Mother is sick and is now seriously ill. Already on Valium.

Many times I sat in my bed late at night absolutely scared about what to do.

Went to see her many times this week. The first time I couldn't touch her but the second time I loved her and hugged her and told her how much we adored her. I wiped her face with a tissue and felt her arms and legs and feet, knowing it may be the last few times we will ever see her. The wrinkles, almost wooden skin, is she dying inside? yet SO beautiful. Such a strapping person. Always have guests around to see her, even by person I never met in my whole life.

I'm not praying for miracles anymore. But I have a husband and two beautiful kids I adore just as much as I adored mother so I'm sure I'll keep going. Still I need everything that I can get because my mother is now counting months, may be days. Weeping and keening, and then this strange silence. I don’t know. Valium would not tell me.

::

I found this poster and it made a lot of sense to me.

Dear Cancer

You suck!

You used to scare everyone silly, but we are not afraid of you anymore.

You didn't get my father. You didn't get my aunt. You didn't get my other aunt and you're not gonna get my mother!

She is eating healthy & then you know what she did?

She smiled for a photo & posted it on FACEBOOK.

My mother at the right, with her sister

So there.

You can try to beat us all you want, but we know how to fight. And we will keep fighting.

You might as well just go away.

And never come back.

::

Happy Mother's Day Mother!

Mother's Day is just three days away, so I'd love to ask: What has your mom taught you?

My mother is quite the pistol. She’ll curse at a bit of disappointment. But whether she is in the hospital for mastectomy or how her crazy moods cracked us all up, she’s an endless fount of wisdom. What I neglect to mention on here though is that my mother is the kindest, most loving person that you will ever meet. She has more kumares, kumpares, inaanak sa kasal at binyag than I do when she was my age. She can eat at our neighbor’s house, play with their kids and spent all afternoon chatting with her friends. She does not know Facebook, but has more friends than I am.

Also she teaches life’s great lessons until now I cannot forget.

1. What she taught me about personal spaces and time.

Respect the one sleeping. Exit out very carefully
if you still want to live one more day

2. What she taught me about pets

Not all pets are cute

3. What she taught me about spending

Check the tags first 

4. That you'd be disappointed but it's okay

So, I'm curious: What has your mom taught you? How to choose a lipstick? How to roast a chicken? How to ask for a raise? How to be a kind person? I'd love to hear their words of wisdom...

An Open Letter to Andi Eigenmann

Dear Andi:

I suppose I should get a couple of things out of the way first. One, I will not pretend to be your mother so this sadly is not to patronize you and your decisions. In fact, for the longest time, I couldn’t decide if I liked you, and lately I’m not just into you. And two, how did you get so thin and sexy when you just gave birth last year? My youngest is already 3 but I still look pregnant. Why?

I watched you at Deal or No Deal the last time . You can make the 24K girls run out of job. You were sporting a body hugging, almost spandex-like mini dress. For some of us chronically obese: it’s a tease. Really, where did those flabs go? I could almost curse myself from being lazy at my aerobics class.

Actually, it's not because I'm lazy. I'm actually a pretty hard worker. It's just that this year, dancing wasn't a goal. Finishing house is.

So to you Andi, you may ask why I hate to see your latest men’s magazine cover? Because you aren’t good for me that's why. You cause depression, regrets and sugar cravings. I didn’t want to hear it either, but there you go.

Yes, the sugar cravings are too your fault. But that’s because when I am jealous, I eat more.

Frankly, I am surprised at how showbiz mothers lose weight too easily, while we, normal birthing humans, lose milligrams of fats ever so slowly. We had to actually weigh and measure our rice if we want to lose some in the waistline area. And we had to drag ourselves to the gym and face the fear of being permanently maimed by the gruesome kickboxing(I still love Zumba though). And don't even get me started on how repugnant I find other people's sweat. Ewewewew.

So to all of you who get rid of body fats, thank the heavens for your fast metabolism.

Have a nice life, Andi. I'm confident that this spontaneous letter won't break you, but good luck nonetheless.

Peace out,

Littleyana

Mom Moments

My kids, 8 and 3, are still too young to surprise me with gifts. Last February my son gave me what looks more like a Philippine map than a valentine card. But I couldn’t be happier. To others who can’t relate to that, don’t try it’s an entirely emotional reaction. Somehow this motherhood experience alters my opinions, judgments and looks at life in general. And many times mothers were so consumed by the busy-ness of the day that they don't realize their strengths were running dry and souls slowly depleting. So allow me to both declare and explain:

As mothers..

• We often forget things not because of early Alzheimer but because we multi-task. There’s a whole lot going on in our mind that’s we ask if evolution really works, how come we only have two hands?

• We must hold the television remote control in our hands while we watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, we’ll miss a whole cooking show looking for it, though one time we were able to survive by holding a calculator.

• We should not be expected to memorize all the isles of grocery stores. There are only two isles I can go to even with eyes closed: milk and diapers. Other than that I am also clueless to find exotic items like “Cumin” or “Tofu.” For all I know these are the same thing.

• You don’t have to ask me if we liked the movie. Chances are, if you see us crying at the end of it, it sure was.

• We think what we are wearing is fine. But we need to be told that our shoes, belt or hair is fine. And off we go change for another full hour. Without doing it, we don’t feel fine.

• Mothers need other moms, their own and friends - cheerleaders who journey with us.

• We all have our moments, good and bad and many that can't be labeled as either - just life!

Sunken Mama

If anything, pregnancy can be a woman’s best and worst experience ever. Your bowels become crowded and your digestion may become more erratic, leaving you gassy and bloated all the time. You are forever with legs and lower back pains, and whenever you sneeze you pee as well.

But then I came across something: these awesome pregnancy photos. Just how amazing this expecting mommy is! She is in her ninth month when these pictures were taken. Fighting the gravity is one thing, but her graceful poses and artful expressions is another. You look at her, she's like a piece of art.

Do you have any favorite photo when you were pregnant? May be we can share. Thanks!

On Mother's Day

I thought these mother and child photos are great. I look at them and some kind of feelings comes to the surface. If only we could stop the time and be with them all our lives. No growing old, no sickness, no death. And this is why having one day a year paying tribute to mothers may be a noteworthy thing to do. But it is my belief and conviction that mothers deserve more credit than that. They deserve a lifetime of honor and recognition.

One mother can take care of ten children, but ten children can’t take care of one mother. – Proverb

Happy Women's Day!

I will narrow the use of women here to mothers, whether they are married, divorced, separated, single and those mothers, although not by blood, but by heart. Mothers who always try to do the right thing and make what would be the best choices- for others. So, happy women’s day to all of you great ladies!

I believe good people put everyone else first, but mothers usually done it for so long that they tend to lose themselves in the process. It's okay, they do this to survive, to equip their children and because of their innate nurturing qualities. But they exhaust themselves managing everyone else's happiness, schedule, emotions and even their own anxiety. Drop the need for things to be "just so," or perfect. It sucks the life out of them than gets them to the place they desire.

John Gray of Men from Mars and Women From Venus defines how we are different from our male counterpart. He said that men get their sense of self from achievement and women get their sense of self from relationships. Men are action-oriented, while women are verbal. Our hostility is released with words rather than fists. And when we're upset, the way for us to feel better is by talking about our problem with other people. So that explains why mothers are control-freak at times. But really, its not the difference that matters but the goodness inside the heart that translates to understanding, care and love for people we care deeply for.



So, us, being the more emotional, more attached to feelings, more sentimental and more verbal part of the human race, let’s enjoy our womanhood.And hope that the men in our lives would treat us like how they have treated us before the marriage.

Here's how to impress us:
* Wine her,
* Dine her,
* Call her,
* Hug her,
* Support her,
* Hold her,
* Surprise her,
* Compliment her,
* Smile at her,
* Listen to her,
* Laugh with her,
* Cry with her,
* Romance her,
* Encourage her,
* Believe in her,
* Pray with her,
* Pray for her,
* Cuddle with her,
* Shop with her,
* Give her jewelry,
* Buy her flowers,
* Hold her hand,
* Write love letters to her,
* Go to the end of the Earth and back again for her.

How I Feel In Photos

Today,
I want to look like



And eat




And meet




And see




For if only once, I really want to



Really, there are



To describe