Because Thank You is Too Mainstream

I immediately went back to Bulacan few hours after my mother died. That week, I was reeling into slight depression already. I guess nobody knew. I am good at hiding feelings sometimes. Because I think that what we should do ... get on with things, answer questions, go through the motions. Then fall apart at appropriate times.

I let them out now. Can't help it. I'll be letting this out for a long, long time. Maybe even always, and that's alright by me. Lucky grief comes in spurts, in, out. Or else the bereaved would never get out of bed.

I saw her inside the white coffin covered with silk. Still not embalmed. She looked as if she was only sleeping. Not wooden or waxy like others. This time I could face seeing her because it was the last chance I’d ever get. Her forehead was wrinkled as if frowning; and her hair still flat and oily like the usual.

Death is such a freaky, scary, cloistered thing in our culture. Yet it happens every day. I think you can now buy tickets to watch a funeral and then see as the body gets set alight. Tickets. Like a show.

We had a wake with her friends, oh my god her friends!. So many. And every last one. Friends from childhood, neighbors, acquaintances, coworkers, churchmates. And so many more. You can really see the mark of a man through her friends.

Thank goodness for people like them to help guide us through the very worst times of our lives. My mother’s siblings, my own siblings, my family.

I wish I could repay your goodness and love.

So to all who are going through the same experience, be strong.

::

You Will Be Missed Forever

Exactly one week today, on a Thursday, my mother’s sufferings finally ended. She was laid to rest beside her parents’ grave in an old cemetery.

In know our lives go on. We will smile more, laugh more. Love more. But we will never stop missing. We will never stop loving.

Looking forward to a day of peace and healing.

I pray that this coming Christmas and all the Christmasses to come, you all feel your mother’s presence with you more strongly.



::

My mother is dead

But she is not gone.

And I love her like she is alive.

What Do You Wish You Had An Infinite Amount Of?

It is accepted, we can never have everything. Forever. All things have their own expiration. There seems to be an imaginary line that when crossed, things and people became nothing more than a memory. And you need to move on as if nothing happened.



But supposed you are given a chance to wish for things you can have infinite amount of.

What would it be?

As for me, I wish I had never-ending energy, patience, laptop battery power, time, money, chocolate, abilities, writing time, reading time, shoes, pain threshold, moments with family, Zumba, clothes, ideas, nap time, hours in the day, words, shopping time, space for writing things, etc.

But since these are just too many- and some too impossible, life in real isn’t that comfortably predictable. If anything, life is the most hit-and-miss travel we'll even find ourselves on. It's a path that will be laced with tears and fears and, yes, joys along the way. It might make us scared sometimes. But other times, when our eyes are wide open and we're in the moment, we see them for what they are - pure joy. A smile, a lovely note, a compliment, giving to others, laughter, a fun game... there are an infinite number of things to take happiness in.

Yet for someone lying sick in bed, shoes and clothes no longer matter but rather a never-ending supply of drugs and medications. Or for a person living with cancer, a prevent hope for remission. Or going through tragic experience where your plane crashed into the open sea and you have no more than few seconds to live. Your heart tightens, and your chest to explode anytime. Beyond doubt, a chance to live one more day is all you what.



Really, life is wonderful, with equal parts of good and bad moments in every day. Make time your friend and remember to make the most of life while time is still on your side.

{Photo via My Summer Twist}

Today, I Mourn

Raindrops on my face

dark clouds on the horizon

I hold back the tears

Memories mingle

with the tears of misty eyes

silently,raindrops

Tears fall from heaven

a heart opens the floodgate

to grief and sorrow

Raindrops on the roof

my heart pitter-pattering

memories tapping

Tears falling,falling

heart fluttering,fluttering

my love, departing

Lips of sweet nectar

the memory of his kiss

turn bitter with tears

Fading memories

the pavement of broken dreams

wet with heaven's tears

Dolphy

{1928-2012}