Happy in Spite. Despite.

Hello! I have just gone through five long months of the souls away from this blog which means I've made both stellar and mundane other things to while away time and boredom.

At first I missed Thinking Outloud, but then I became used to it not being around. Then I got lonely. Then I got lamebrain. Then I became a sewer, a carpenter, an artist and a designer. Really, idleness sometimes pushed you to become creative.

Anyway so many moons have past since then and I'm still here. I'm forming a new life with and without my mother and I need tidbits, pieces of her, little precious stories to patchwork my sails so they continue to soar.

July. It was the first time in seventy three years that my mother has not been on planet earth for her birthday. I knew it would be a hard day but I did not know that every second of every minute of that entire day would burn my soul.

On her birthday with my sister, we went to visit her at the cemetery. We had to. From memory, my mother was always the one who will reach out, the first one to see a sick family member, and the first person to mediate in siblings’ fights. An uncle tagged her as the missing link. Yeah, that’s her. Not everybody appreciated her, but she showed a good example if only people are more discerning.

Then came August. I escaped my dirty laundry and went to St Joseph’s College in Quezon City to take a licensure exam.

Were you there?

As I walked across the convent looking hallways of the school, I had a huge gulping lump on my throat. It dawned on me that this was my defining moment. For once, I forgot my mother and my children. I was taking it so personally.

For wanting to change career, I decided to take the Licensure Exam for Teachers. Hah! It felt like I should have done it before. The place was packed, with people almost half of my age. But it was one of the few things I would never regret doing. Because after 51 days, this internet news came.





I felt so special, I posted it on my Facebook right away.

Here's a thought: us humans are just works in progress, that's all. That's cool. Let go and let God do his things for you. Oh and when I say "you" I actually mean "me." Death and success hardly came in pair. But you just have to trust in his mighty ways, believe in what he will and will not change in your life.

Next up, if you are a newly LET passer like me, congrats you made your point, now go and find a real job.

I also want to thank my family for being happy when I am happy and sad when I am sad. For Hubs who never left my side.

I also want to thank you, the person reading my blog right now who I probably don't even know and will never meet. For continually coming back here to read, for sending me comments, thoughts and messages. When I don't blog for a while you even know it's because there's even no words to say how I am. But I kept coming back - and even though I hate certain things around blogging I'm glad I kept writing. It's weird to be such a personal blogger - I used to be so private online. But that all changed when mother got cancer in 2009 and she kept it all secret. When Big Things happen to us, there's a need to tell it, share it, ask for help and tell the whole world.

And to all my pains and successes, to Lord Almighty, thank you from the bottom of my heart.

::

This.is.like.my. job. now.

Today is a Saturday. I don't count the weeks anymore, I count the months. I never want to count the years. Years is too long without nothing to do. Losing a job isn’t very glamorous. You’re bound to do house chores, tending naughty kids and waiting for husband to come home. But that's life - in all it's gloriousness, confusion, darkness. That's life.

My eldest is going to be 10 tomorrow. He used to fit in romper suits and play with nails and suck on a dummy and now he has started to get a little less clingy with me. I had to teach him how to tie a tie. We're not there yet, but we're close. Often I look at him and cry from love, especially when he was a baby but also especially lately when suddenly all of us in life seem so fragile.

He plays every games with his friends. And still cried if he lost. One time he went home crying because a clown wouldn’t let him win. And not too long ago, he bagged most of the prizes in a birthday party. He was beaming with pride. Yes, he's naturally competitive.

I ask him what the current crop of girls are like.

"Ahhh, dunno ma I'm not interested in girls at the moment."

I told him I *bet* they're interested in him and we both laughed.

And I remembered how tiny he was as a baby, how I'd stand at his door during daytime naps waiting for him to wake up because I missed him.

::

I Need To Be Fixed

Hey. How's it hangin'? I'm doing ok. I lost my mother last November. Guess what, I lost my job this month.

I keep telling people that I resigned, that I got tired of 12 hours of commute and office work. That it is tiring, boring, repetitive. Truth is we were picked, chosen, listed down, singled out and decided on. All 11 of us. I jokingly called ourselves Deep Ocean Eleven. We were in deep pit. Like the movie.

The first thing I did when I got home was tell my husband to feed me while I am out of job. He laughed hard. Really, I can't wait to get out. I'm nervous about doing things differently but I'll just do them a day at a time.

So right now I'm doing a lot of handwringing, questioning, working things out, cramming myself to get a new job. I may be some time. Consequently, my whole system is affected. For how can I explain my constipation, urinary tract infection and hairy armpit? People have already gently told me I need to start getting over this and just, no. No I do not, thank you.

There's been a lot of lying on my bed. The days go pretty slowly around here, and if I don't find things to do I feel yuck. I'm reading books but I wash clothes pretty much of the week. I wonder why the bin never emptied.

I'm incredibly sorry for such a blurty blogpost but there it is. Hopefully if I just write it and publish it will help me let some stuff go.

Like what this picture is doing to me.



A pat on the back saying "Ma, it will be okay".

How on earth does anyone get through idleness?

::

Tough Love

I read somewhere that grief is born the moment your loved one dies. It's been over three months now that my mother died. And exactly like a newborn baby, grief needs constant care and attention and tending. You just can't ignore it.

She left November last year and I thought I was okay with it. I didn’t feel anything. Who cares who will be the next person to die?

But things are different lately. Coz I miss her at this time. And nobody knows. At this point I'm not sure if it's depression or grief.



Grief is part of my life now. It just is and there's nothing I can do about it. I'm not going to stifle it or compartmentalise it. This may mean I'll be feeling it until I'm eighty. I'm gonna feel what I feel, with no right or wrong. Grieving doesn't mean I'm not still living, weeding, parenting, recovering, doing Valentines, cooking meals, cleaning the toilet. It just means that all of those things are harder.

I am turning 40 on June and the older I get, the less I understand life. I don't know if love is worth the pain. I don't know anything. When one plucked the roots, the whole plant will be gone, leaving a bare space where it once stood. So we plant some other seeds, see if they take. Really, we won't know what stays or what fades away.



I just thought I'd let you know that my crying for her is done in private.

It's primal and unlike any cry I've ever cried.

::

How To Deal With Your Exes

Exes aren’t that hard to spot. They are EVERYWHERE. In order to deal with them, you have to understand what they are going through, where they are coming from. Because all they need is love and understanding.

JUST KIDDING.

Exes expect that everybody loves them. They have this sense of self-worth that if they are loved, they think they deserve it and if they are hated, they think that other person is just insecure or intimidated. Because what is not to love? In their own world, they are perfect.

Some exes think that they are the prettiest thing their parents have ever created.

Sometimes I wonder if pets roll their eyes when humans baby talk them. because when I hear girls baby talk their boyfriends, I roll my eyes. However, its okay to baby talk husbands. Husbands are wives’ first born, right?

Well?

So okay. I'm not gonna assume that you are having some sort of woman trouble. No, not at all.

And because I know that most men don't understand women AT ALL, I decided to write about “The Boy That Never Was”. So yeah, Katy Perry.

So let’s say you crossed path with an ex accidentally. And you had a bad separation. Like he dumped you for another girl. Ouch.

For a starter, these kinds of people deserve a high-five.

In the face.

With a hammer.



Well, yeah okay, I exaggerated a little bit.

When you see Ex coming your way, don’t chicken out. Say hello with confidence. Don’t quiver. And please don’t start the conversation with.. “do you miss me?”. Please.

Give him a serious look. Or something.



Stupidity is a crime.

Now. What if you are the type who likes to avoid social interaction, especially when Ex is involved? And what if you have to see Ex every day because he goes to your school or you work with him?

This probably should work.



Make more loyal friends who are willing to go to jail with you. And be catchy all the time. Even if you’re just gonna go to the next table. Wear sexy, borderline Gaga clothes that it would drain the color of your face. I know, I know it's gonna be hard. Wearing clothes that are 10 sizes too small takes some getting used to, but you have to sacrifice! You need to prove you are okay after the break up. Even if that was 10 years ago.

This or get a life and move on, for heaven’s sake.

Ten years ago is soo history.

And I believe if fate meant you to be together, you’ll find each other in the next life.

You are you and he is your son haha!!

Okay. I'll stop right there.

♥ Happy Valentines! ♥

::

What Happens When I Get Behind On Chores

Like laundry.

As long as I have reasonably clean uniforms for the kids, socks & unders for the hubs and a clean bra for me, I'm usually good.

But it never occurred to me that I would run out of panties.

I have 10,000 pairs of underwear. Some are fun & lacy. Some are thongs. Some coordinate with a bra. Others like the bloomers that I stole from mother. Imagine a full panty with a pocket to hold sanitary napkin in place. I know no girl would own up to wearing it.

But most of what I have are comfy cotton briefs.

Last night after my shower, I opened the panty drawer and. . . . . .chirp chirp chirp.

Nothing. Not a thing. Not a thong. No boyshorts, hipsters, g-strings or briefs.

In normal circumstances, I would go without. But it's fright week. I need unders.

I had NOTHING. Just a giant pile of dirty laundry. I would never wear dirty underwear. Ok, I would. I totally would. But the laundry was especially dirty with wet towels and everything. So I couldn't even find any not-too-dirty ones.

If Miranda Kerr could wear this.. I could too.

I had to borrow from Hubs.

And Hubs has 2 choices: tighty whiteys or colored briefs with bacon waistband. Tight whities weren't gonna do it for me because they wouldn't hold my . .. um . . products in place.

I knew boys were different from girls. I had no idea HOW different.

They have the whole keyhole thing goin' on. Because they are too lazy to pull their pants down when they pee. Know what else? The leg holes on T.W.s are tight. I mean -- no elastic. What the...? How can they wear these?

And there is about 8 inches of fabric between the legholes. Their legs are NOT that far apart. I know they need extra fabric to cover their extra parts, but I had NO IDEA that there was so much fabric down there. Finally,the waistband? Definately not designed for girls. Well, maybe for Miranda Kerr. But for girls with hips? Nope.

So today, I am catching up on my laundry.



Cotton briefs first.

Some Things Are Harder Than You Think

Women are not as complicated as you guys believe. Oh well, there are times that we are hormonal, over-dramatic and sensitive.

But everyone goes through this at some point, whether you're a guy or a girl. So it's nothing to be embarrassed about. Because you know what? It's normal for people.

When I am by myself, I eat a family block chocolate, one leg propped up. I pluck armpits hair. Talk to the world and wait for it to talk back. I swear, ruminate, despair and answer all the questions in my head. And I talked so fast you’d swear I am schizo.

But when I am out in the society, no one could suspect. Like I will ask you super nicely if I can iron your clothes, feed your dogs or cook for you out of politeness or well meaning impulsiveness.

People close to me know I talk to a laptop. I don’t know but every time I start opening the computer, I would start talking like a robot, “start now, start now, now, now…!”

And as I have mentioned here before, I am quite a multitasker.

I have the tendency to do many things at once.

Okay. So for instance, last Saturday morning, I thought of cutting my children’s hair. You see I hate the long sideburn. So I cut them. No, really. I did. And nobody cried.

That's while the washing machine was running.

Yesterday, I planned about revamping an old black dress into a peplum blouse. You know those DIY’s flying around in the internet? I am somehow inspired. But then I forgot everything about it.

Of course I did. Also, I don't have a sewing machine.

So yeah. That's how my brain works.

Uh. That's all. Just thought I'd share.

::

Oh I made something for a very close friend. Hi Margj! She’s 40 on Saturday and because I'm super sweet, I made this card for her.

You are halfway to 80. Way to go!