Thursday, October 3, 2013

How to Deal With Your Instinct to Maim Those Politicians?

Have you ever watched the news? I try not to cause it’s so depressing but sometimes I see it. Look at them all so tough and defiant against their charges and allegations. The nerve of these people.

Bad senators, congressmen, judges, commissioners, barangay tanods aren't that hard to spot. They are EVERYWHERE. In order to deal with them, you have to understand what they are going through, where they are coming from. Because all they need is love and understanding.


These people expect that everybody loves them. They have this sense of self-worth that if they are honored, respected, prioritized and loved, they think they deserve it and if they are hated, they think their critics are if not heretics, are simply low-life lying morons.


The best way is to stay calm. You can bring them back to earth. Just have faith.

Or something.

So let’s begin.

Just because our public servants are restless souls, they are often hallucinating that their lives and time are more important than ours, which is why they get traffic escorts and back-up vehicles, want expresses through airport immigration and other similar conveniences. So I thought why fast forward the future and...

1. Prepare Them Advance Tombstones


Avoid putting "R.I.P" or "In Loving Memory Of" on their tombstone. Seriously? That is so 10 years ago. Give them some credit man! Be bold! Have them carve, "Wanna come with?". Better yet, have them write BRB or Be Right Back. Aside from its undeniable frivolity, this will remind our politicians that their powers and privileges do not necessarily mean an easy access to heaven. Saint Peter might send them elsewhere.

2. Summon a Ghost During a Senate Speech

Remember Tosho of The Grudge?
There is a saying that some ghosts are harmless and friendly. However this one is no Casper or else this would be useless. This ghost will be summoned during deliberation or privilege speech. The ghost will go to the public official and whispers mean things to him and only he can hear him. It can cause so much anguish and pain. Notice how he will become an emotional wreck right after the speech. Well, he can try to convince himself that his eyes are just irritated but we will know that's not true.

3. Sack them in a Life-Sized Condom

Every time they lie, steal, plagiarized, or spend millions for as inconsequential as burgers to as grandiose as a wack-wack mansion. Now there is a chance to effectively shoo away their nonchalant appeal for material things, lust included. Isn’t that once upon a time, God’s natural punishment was depriving them of erections? Such a frightening scenario, especially in a religious society that worships a God who does not believe in condoms and birth-control pills.

So when life gets tough, my dear readers, don't lose hope.

There's always a way.

Again, you're welcome.